Imperfect Perfection
by O.bi.Sess
Summary: Mary Sue Parody. AU. Kiki, our lovely Mary Sue, takes a tumble in the Naruto world where everyone adores her. Everyone, that is, except Naruto, Itachi and Akamaru. See? Even the summary's cliched. Complete at last. About freaking time, too.
1. Chapter I: Perfection

_**Summary Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_ **Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_**_ Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

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If there was one word to describe her, it would've been this.

Perfection.

Right down to her last split-end-less hair tip, she was perfect.

Her eyes glistened with the right emotions at the right time.

Her perfectly straight white teeth glowed with the perfect amount of shine to draw people's attention to them, but not blind them in the process.

Why teeth glow, well, I don't know. What I do know was that her teeth were perfect.

Now, the name of this seemingly flawless girl was also perfect.

It fit her personality perfectly.

(And I've managed to throw in seven "perfects" in the above eight sentences. Eight if you count this sentence.)

Her name was Kiki.

And remember, it suits her personality _perfectly!_

...which basically tells you what you need to know about Kiki and her mental capacity.

Or lack thereof.

Either way, Kiki was perfect.

She was just an innocent teenage girl thrown into the chaotic world of Naruto.

Whilst 99.9% of all other teenage girls would've been screaming in joy, Kiki was apart of that 0.1% who did not find her situation on amusing.

Oh _no_! Not at **_ALL!_**

Why?

Because she thought outside the square...

She thought wisely and beyond her years, therefore startling all other adults into awed silence with her philosophical and jaded-but-still-innocent outlook on life.

How a "jaded-but-still-innocent" attitude can come about, I have no idea.

But if there was one person who could pull it off, it was Kiki.

She was perfect.

But, back to the story. The reason why Kiki wasn't happy was very simple really.

It was because Kiki **_understood._**

Yep, that's right.

She understood.

Understand_ what_ you ask?

Kiki understood that getting stuck in another world was a very serious matter and shouldn't be treated lightly.

Out dear Kiki had been on fanfiction and had seen the countless Original Character and Mary Sue stories floating on the web and she scoffed at them.

Scoffed at them I tell you!

Because, it was simply not possible to leave one's life behind and start a new one in a few minutes.

No matter how badly they were abused/bullied/generally suffered trauma/overlooked/outcast-ed/is a freak-of-nature on Earth.

Which is why Kiki was currently crying in the Hokage's office.

It was dignified sobbing, mind you.

None of that wailing as loud as humanly possible nonsense.

Kiki was perfect.

Therefore she cried perfectly as well.

"There, there," Tsunade said soothingly, feeling a motherly sort of urge well up inside her (rather ample) chest.

Seeing the poor black haired girl sitting in the chair and crying so dignified whilst her world was falling apart touched some long forgotten and possibly non-existent string within the Hokage.

"It's alright. You can stay here for as long as you like. Don't worry, we'll help you find a way back to your world."

Kiki just nodded whilst drying her large amber eyes with a handkerchief, all those tears not leaving a single trace on her perfect porcelain face.

"I-I don't want to intrude," Kiki said softly, her musical voice floating through the room like wind chimes.

Tsunade felt an amount of joy that she had never felt before at just the sound of Kiki's voice.

(For all Lord of the Rings fans, Kiki is not an elf. Or, at least I don't think so. But Kiki is perfect, _so_ technically, _anything _is possible)

"Oh no, dear! You won't be any trouble at all! Here, I'll even assign a team to show you around and help you settle in."

Kiki sniffed once more before smiling. Her face glowed.

Not literally.

It wasn't like it was some giant lantern that switched on every time a muscle moved in Kiki's face.

Her face glowed with life.

With the vitality and joyfulness of youth!

With the happiness and emotions of a person in their influential years!

With the - _mmphh!_

Sorry about that. I just leave for two seconds and Gai tries to hijack the story.

Moving quickly on, Tsunade called up - who else? - Team 7.

Sasuke saw her first.

His heart clenched painfully and his eyes misted.

The girl reminded him so much of his cousin.

They even have the same hair colour!

Of course, Sasuke decided not to remember at that particular time that black hair wasn't really _that_ rare.

Hurrying the last few steps into the room, Sasuke grabbed Kiki's arm and looked down with something akin to desperation on his face.

"Don't leave me," he said pleadingly, tears threatening to spill from his eyes as memories of his past swarmed his brain.

Kiki glanced up at Sasuke.

She knew who he was, but in fear of altering the timeline (for she thought outside that bloody square), Kiki opted for a confused face.

But!

Sasuke looked so hurt and Kiki could never say no to a person in need.

Scooping the Uchiha heir up in one fluid movement (and ignoring the fact that Sasuke seemed to have _shrunk _physically), Kiki hugged him close and murmured comforting things into his hair.

Tsunade looked on with motherly pride, proud that Kiki was handling the situation so well and that Sasuke was finally opening up.

It was about bloody time too! It's been what? Five? Six years? You'd think he's get over the death of his entire family already!

Sakura saw her next.

And the pink haired girl knew she was in heaven.

Kiki was perfect!

Those teeth!

That hair!

That skin!

Sakura quickly hurried over and started asking for all the beauty tips she could.

She wasn't even jealous that Sasuke was holding on to Kiki like she was his lifeline or something.

Because Kiki wouldn't take advantage of a twelve year old boy.

That was just sick.

And Kiki wasn't sick! She was perfect!

"Ah, sorry," Kiki said softly, looking faintly embarrassed. The reddened cheeks only helped add emphasis to her high cheekbones. "It's all natural."

Sakura gasped in such a way that only a girl can pull off.

"You mean, that nose is _natural!?_"

Kiki nodded.

Sakura sighed wistfully.

Kakashi blinked at the sight from behind his book.

The girl that currently had all their attention was a goddess sent from heaven.

Her amber eyes flickered to him briefly, as feeling his glance and the two gazes locked.

Moments passed in silence.

Kakashi never felt this way about anyone before.

_Ever._

It didn't matter that he didn't actually know her. It didn't matter that she could be an enemy in disguise. It didn't matter that she looked young enough to be one of his students. It didn't matter who or what she was. It didn't even matter that he didn't know her name!

All that mattered was his love for her.

Yes, Kakashi was in love with...well, with whoever the hell she was.

And yes, he knew that he was in love with her just after one look.

Kiki offered a small smile.

Rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, Kakashi suddenly felt shy around the beauty in front of him.

Shuffling forward, Kakashi offered his usual curved-eye smile at Kiki.

Kiki's smile grew and she brushed her fingers across Kakashi's hand, _by accident!_

Kakashi looked down at his hand as if the best thing in Konoha.

It had been touched by her!

_Touched! _

The two traded looks again and the message was clear.

_I love you._

Because you can _so_ send messages through telepathy.

If Tsunade kept on puffing with motherly pride, she was gonna burst.

The Hokage was soooooooooo proud of her Kiki.

When exactly Kiki became hers, the Tsunade didn't know, but she just did.

Taming the heart of the ever elusive Kakashi.

You go girl!

Naruto was confused.

Every member of his team was acting weird for some reason.

First Sasuke had actually shown some damn emotion.

Naruto was half convinced that the bastard was dropped on his head as a baby and only knew how to scowl.

But look at him! Sasuke was crying! **CRYING!**

Shuddering slightly at the absurdity of that, Naruto's brain (in an effort to keep itself from going off to the deep end) moved on to Sakura.

What he found there was even weirder.

The pink haired girl was just gazing at the stranger as if she was some sort of wonder to behold. Like Sakura worshipped her and that she was Sakura's idol.

The said teenage girl wasn't even twitching at the sight of Sasuke touching a female.

Of the human species nonetheless.

(Naruto had caught Sakura chasing a female cat the other day because Sasuke had stopped to pat the thing on the head for a fraction of a second).

And Kakashi-sensei!

He - he - he was just standing there and gazing at the stranger like he was stoned or something.

Alright, looking more stoned that he usually did.

The pervert wasn't even reading his book.

Now, although the blond didn't know Kakashi's personal preferences that well, he was pretty sure that Icha Icha Paradise had the equivalent status of a God in Kakashi's eyes.

At that moment, the poor thing was just hanging limply by the man's side, forgotten.

Naruto almost felt sorry for the book.

And suddenly felt four pairs of eyes on him. Sasuke was still too busy crying to be in the joint effort of looking at Naruto.

Raising his head, Naruto felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck as everybody in the room stared intently at him.

_Come. Cooooooooooooome to us. Join us._

Naruto glanced around the room, wondering where the voice came from.

Glancing uneasily back at the stranger, Naruto had the sudden urge to run.

Run as fast and far away as he possibly can.

And so, Naruto, always one to act on instinct and his senses, promptly turned and high-tailed out of there.

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**_/Author's Note/_**_ That's it. Please review!_


	2. Chapter II: Evasion

_**Summary Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_ **Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_**_ Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

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Naruto isn't what one would call the brightest light bulb in the room.

Or the house for that matter.

There have been times when Naruto had developed surprisingly workable plans under stress, but there were many more times when he just plain screwed up.

Many, _many_ more times.

So it became rather clear to his team that the bad far outweighed the good when it came to the blond boy.

Which is why they were so surprised when they couldn't poke a single hole (they probably didn't try hard enough) in Naruto's story of why he had suddenly ran out of the room half an hour ago.

Kiki had been so hurt that she had started to cry again.

Of course, it was nothing more that a tear.

But, it was Kiki, and a single tear somehow managed to convey her hurt at being ran-away from, whilst leaving her dignified and proud.

A single perfect teardrop had flowed (yes, a _single _tear can flow) from her right eye, making it's journey down her flawless pale cheek and dropping to the ground.

Whilst in all normal people, the teardrop would've lost at least some moisture on the way and most probably never have made it to the ground, this was Kiki we're talking about.

The teardrop left not one mark behind and the resulting drop echoed throughout the room.

(The team would later look back shudder in disbelief at the thought of a _ teardrop_ echoing)

Tsunade vowed to disown the blond bastard as his surrogate son/brother type person and give her precious necklace to someone more deserving.

Like Kiki. Because it was _so_ obvious that Kiki would made such a better Hokage than Naruto.

Sakura vowed to kill the blond bastard. How _dare_ he make Kiki cry?

Inner Sakura was on a rampage and for the first time in her life, Sakura seriously considered letting her out.

Now, Sakura might be smartest genin of her year, but sometimes she could be astonishingly stupid. Has the idea of letting Inner Sakura out when they met danger never occurred to her? I mean, I bet even Kisame would be wetting his pants in fear and taking responsibility for things he didn't do if left alone with her for three minutes. Like plaiting daises into his hair.

And the guy didn't even have any hair!

See how effective Inner Sakura could be?

But no one listens to one little, tiny, insignificant authoress.

Oh no! She doesn't know what she's talking about and she's just -

Ahem.

As I was saying, Sakura was going to kill the blond bastard.

Sasuke was going to kill the blond bastard. _Painfully. _

Preferably with 72 hours of torture by the Sharigan thrown in there somewhere.

How dare he make Kiki cry? She was his only living relative left (Itachi isn't human so he doesn't count. Sasuke nodded at his own logic). How exactly was Kiki a relative of his? Well, he hadn't gotten up to that part yet, but she just was!

And when someone with the Sharigan looks at you in _that _way, you agree. Of _course_ Kiki is an Uchiha!

It was _so _obvious, it was a surprise that we didn't see it before.

But Kakashi! Oh Kakashi was going to do much worse.

He was going to torture the blond bastard, torture him some more and then kill him. _Painfully. _

And there was going to be 144 hours of Sharigan torture in there.

_Pfft. _72 hours was for amateurs.

His beloved Kiki was crying over a dumb blond who probably didn't know the difference between his ass and his mouth. Oh, the motherfu -

Whoa there Kakashi.

Rated T remember, no naughty words. And that isn't a very nice thing to say about your student.

Then the authoress realises her mistake of momentarily forgetting that Kakashi also has the Sharigan.

_And_ Chidori.

And when it's Kakashi who looks at you like _that_, well, you either die a horrible painful death or you die an even more horrible and painful death than you imagined.

I mean, uh, fry the blond idiot! He, erm, deserves all four of your Chidori's. Yeah, that's right.

(Sorry Naruto, but when there's two Sharigan wielding ninjas out for blood, it's survival of the fittest)

Now, three of the four enraged avengers (for Tsunade was _still_ the Hokage no matter how hard she tried to forget it, she still had a room full of papers to go through) made their way to Naruto's apartment, ready to tear him limb from limb.

Kiki was cradled lovingly in Kakashi's arms, despite her protests that she could run just as fast, if not _faster _than them! (She'd come first in every cross-country event her school had to offer and came first in the country. She'd be damned if she was going to be beaten by two twelve year olds and a man who had white hair!)

Kakashi just shook his head and muttered something about protecting her. Kiki was about to argue, but seeing the stubborn light in Kakashi's eyes, she sighed, said nothing and snuggled deeper into his arms.

Besides, it was nice and warm in Kakashi's arms. She felt safe there (because _obviously_, she couldn't feel safe anywhere else).

Sasuke was muttering something about torturing Naruto with his bloodline ability. Kiki felt a wave of sympathy for the boy.

"But I'm sure he didn't mean it," Kiki placated, her amber eyes glistening with understanding and magnanimity. "He's just boy and besides, he has _that_ sealed within him. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable excuse as to why he left."

"There isn't. He's just an idiot."

Kiki looked towards the pink haired girl.

"Sakura," she said gently, bringing the teenager's attention to her. "Have you maybe thought that you've been slightly mean to Naruto? He's just a boy who likes you. There's no need to put him down because of that. And I'm sure that he's only annoying because he wants to get your attention. Shouldn't you be flattered? Instead, all you do is scream at him. It isn't very becoming of a woman."

Sakura looked on the verge of tears at Kiki's scolding, but she listened seriously and realised that Kiki was right (she always was) and that she had been unfair to the blond boy.

The tears of hurt turned to tears of gratitude. To think, Sakura might've continued treating Naruto like trash if Kiki hadn't come along (because Sakura couldn't figure out something as simple as that on her own).

"Thank you," Sakura whispered, and made a vow to herself to start treating Naruto better.

Kiki smiled softly, glad that her wisdom could help somebody.

Kakashi felt his love grow. Kiki was so intelligent and philosophical and.. and... stuff!

Five minutes they were bashing down Naruto's door, anger back in full force.

Despite Kiki's pleading, the three ninjas hadn't listened (shock, horror!) and burst into Naruto's apartment.

Only to find the blond boy hacking and coughing in bed, looking whiter than white.

He cracked open his eyes and stared glumly at his teammates and their charge.

"Hey," he croaked, sound more like a frog than a frog.

"...Naruto?" Sasuke asked, some of his anger dissipating at the sight of his best friend looking so... sickly.

"Bas-" _hackhackhack_ (sounds like Naruto lost a lung somewhere in there) "-tard?"

The weak reply stirred some hidden healer string within Kiki and she detangled herself from Kakashi's grasp. Hurrying over to the boy, she placed three fingertips on to Naruto's head, somehow just _knowing_ what to do.

There was a faint glow of chakra around Naruto's forehead and the colour started to return to his face.

As if moving on their own, Kiki's hands formed quick handseals, some of which Kakashi had never seen before.

Placing her fingers back on Naruto's forehead, three minutes passed in silence before Kiki removed her hand.

"What did you do?" Naruto asked agitated, looking like he was never sick in the first place.

Kiki was equally surprised. "I-I don't know."

And promptly fainted.

Kakashi, with his super ninja speed, caught his darling before she even started to sway.

"Chakra depletion," he answered the unspoken question.

_I'd like to deplete her of her life,_ Naruto thought savagely, his plan almost ruined by Kiki. It had been such a good plan too!

He was going to be pretend to have really bad diarrhoea and hopefully stay in bed for the next few weeks until they could either:

a) Throw Kiki back into whatever hell she came from (for she had to be the spawn of the devil), or

b) Give Naruto time to come up with a better plan.

Naruto had briefly wondered if he could transfer to the Sand on the basis of being closer to Gaara because they shared the same plight blah, blah blah.

Until he realised that that reason sounded slightly queer and Naruto was_ not_ queer, thank you very much!

"You better get her to the hospital," Naruto suggested worriedly, inwardly wanting to hurt Kiki so that she'd actually have a _real _reason to be in hospital.

Whoever heard of someone going to the hospital for _chakra depletion!_ It wasn't like there was anything the healers could do anyway.

Kakashi nodded and cradled Kiki within his arms again.

"I-I'll be there in a little while. I still don't feel too good. It was the milk I had this morning," Naruto said, coughing weakly as if to prove his point and waved at the empty milk container on his table.

His teammates and teacher nodded, clearly not listening to him and left hurriedly. For the first time, Naruto was relieved that he didn't receive the attention of his sensei and teammates.

In their haste to save Kiki (because she _so_ needed saving), the three ninjas had forgotten one very important fact.

Naruto doesn't get sick._ Ever. _(See why Naruto needs a new plan?)

It is a well know fact that Naruto wasn't the brightest light bulb around, but one redeeming feature about the blond was his ability to produce well-thought out plans under stress and danger.

He would definitely say that this current situation fit into the "stress and danger" category.

And since desperate times call for desperate measures, Naruto grabbed a clean piece of paper (which was very hard to find) and started to write.

_Bastard and Gill-face,_

No, that didn't sound right. Too impolite and Naruto didn't want to piss these people off since they could probably kill him in a second.

Probably less.

Besides, he was asking for help.

_Itachi and Kisame,_

There. That sounds better.

_Itachi and Kisame,_

_I need your help..._

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_**Author's Note:** Thanks to all those who reviewed! They were oogled, and drooled over with warm appreciation. Hope you like this chapter as well!_


	3. Chapter III: Decision

_**Summary Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_ **Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_**_ Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

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Uchiha Itachi was not said to be a man who was excited or surprised very easily.

It was clear in every strand of hair, every harsh glare and every bottle of black nail polish the man owned.

Which was why when the older heir to the Uchiha clan opened the piece of paper, squinted at the random chicken scratches and sprayed the green tea he was sipping all over Kisame, one could sufficiently say that he was surprised.

Wiping his face in disgust with his poor mistreated Akatsuki cloak, Kisame scowled at Itachi.

Itachi knew that any other form of liquid apart from water was bad for Kisame's gills, and subsequently, his breathing ability.

And having trouble breathing was not something Kisame wanted to repeat, especially not after that episode a few years back concerning a cup of beer, some sushi and a few well-placed kunais. But that story was for another time.

Currently, Itachi was holding the paper as close as he could to his face and squinting at the writing again. After all, the writing wasn't what one could call legible and making mistakes when reading was probably common.

Even though Itachi shivered inwardly at the thought of himself making a mistake (a mistake! the horror or horrors!), he was almost hoping that he had, just to deny what the pitiful scribbles in front of him were telling him.

"Ne, something important?" Kisame asked calmly and detachedly, hoping his partner couldn't detect his curiosity, even though Inner Kisame was bouncing up and down, demanding to see what Itachi was obsessing over _now._

_Gimme, gimme, gimme!_ Inner Kisame screamed, his five-year-old self making his presence known to Kisame. Not that Kisame could really forget that he was there, what with all the screaming and tantrums.

It seems that Kisame wasn't as lucky as Sakura was, in the aspects of his inner self. Whilst Inner Sakura was the same age as the real Sakura, Inner Kisame was only five, being alive for only that long.

Poor, poor Kisame.

Back to the story.

Itachi just grunted at the question, not even halfway through the letter.

He was getting a headache. Whoever the hell wrote this was going to die a painful death.

Two hours later, Itachi was still in the same position, squinting at the letter in the dying light of the fire whilst Kisame was amusing himself by poking random bugs he found in the buried in the dirt.

_Poke. _

"Done yet?"

_Poke. Poke. Poke._

"..."

_Poke. Poke. Poke. _

"Maybe if you let me see it, I can help you."

Real subtle Kisame.

Well yes, at least Inner Kisame thought he was subtle, but then again, Inner Kisame is five.

"...no."

_Poke. Squish. _

_Oops. _

"But why nooooooooot?" Kisame whined, not in the mood to be polite. He had squished all the bugs he could find and they'd been in the godforsaken forest for five hours now.

"...no."

"Itachi, I swear to God, if you don't tell me what's in that letter or move your pansy ass, I'm sheesh-kebarb-ing you with my sword!"

"...pansy ass?"

"Yes, pansy ass. I'm gonna stick my baby so far up your ass that it'll be spurting out of your mouth."

"...your baby?" Raised eyebrow. "How...quaint. Didn't know you swung that way Kisame."

Blush. "That's not what I meant you retard!"

Repressed snigger. "No, _of course_ not"

"I hate you."

"Does that mean you don't want to stick your baby up my ass? Words are beyond me."

"..."

Kisame sat down and sulked. It wasn't fair. He never won a battle of the wits with Itachi.

It may not seem like it, but the older Uchiha possessed a sense of humour that could only be that of Satan. And it was usually Kisame who was on the receiving end.

After all, Itachi never showed his sense of humour (more like extra-evil torture device) to anyone else. It would ruin the whole bad-boy image he had going on.

And Itachi didn't want to ruin his bad-boy image. Anyone who even dared to suggest it was rewarded with an up-close and personal demonstration of the Sharigan.

Lucky them.

Kisame, not for the first time, debated the merits of purposely angering Itachi and getting Sharigan-ed. It would certainly put him out of his misery.

Or maybe he could just impale himself on his sword.

Fingers twitching at the thought, Kisame snuck a look at Itachi before reaching for his sword.

_Goodbye O cruel world! The next time we meet, I shall - _

Kisame ripped the piece of paper from his face and huffed indignantly at Itachi.

"I was trying to serenade to the world Itachi! Why the hell did you interrupt?"

"Feeling suicidal again Kisame? You know what the medic-nin said, don't you?"

At Kisame's ever-growing sulk, Itachi raised his eyebrows.

"Come on, say it with me..."

"I will not kill myself. Killing myself is a coward's way out. And I am not a coward. Therefore I will not kill myself. Killing myself is the coward's way out..." Kisame spat out according, feeling less suicidal. But more homicidal.

Oh, watch out Itachi. One day (or night) you might just find yourself speared by one huge sword and barbequed over the fire or something. I hear Uchihas taste really nice with sweet and chili sauce (not that I've eaten an Uchiha before or anything).

"If you kill yourself, you'll never read the letter."

For the first time, Kisame looked properly at the paper in his hand and all thoughts of killing himself, or anyone else, disappeared.

Itachi smirked. Kisame was like a five-year-old sometimes. If only Itachi knew.

"The hell is this!" Kisame demanded, holding the letter as if it was a piece of filth, belonging somewhere below bacteria on the food chain.

"A letter, it seems, from Naruto."

"A letter? He calls this a letter? This piece of shi - wait, did you say Naruto?"

A curt nod.

"...damn."

Several moments passed in silence as Kisame tried to decipher Naruto's writing and Itachi surveyed the area around him.

What was with all the dead bugs?

And was rudely interrupted from his musings on the dead bugs when Kisame started to chortle like a horse on crack.

"Y-y-your bro..." _gasping for air_ "Oh my freaking god! Y-Your brother's..is...he-"

Apparently, that was all Kisame could manage until he figured out exactly what Naruto was trying to say.

Or until he finished laughing.

Meh. Whichever one came first.

Itachi, on the other hand, was not so amused.

"Do you find something funny about the situation Kisame?"

Kisame knew he was in trouble. Whenever Itachi used that tone of voice, run. Run as fast as you can in the other direction.

But Kisame didn't feel the least bit threatened today.

Oh no! Not _at all_.

Because the situation was all caused by someone named Kiki.

_Kiki! _

Just thinking the name sent Kisame into a fresh wave of laughter.

"Kiki?"

Itachi scowled. He knew exactly what Kisame was thinking and he didn't like it.

"I did not leave a member of the Uchiha clan alive, except for my foolish little brother. And I most certainly did not have a cousin or any relative, dead _or_ alive, named Kiki."

"Then what's Naruto babbling on about? Another family member? Corrupting your brother? Making him pick flowers!"

"I plan to find out."

"What if this is a trap?"

Itachi's look plainly said _"Do you think that a mere trap could capture me? What are you? Stupid? I'm Uchiha Itachi. I am, therefore, invincible."_

Kisame just shrugged at the look.

Bursting Itachi's bubble about his fake notion of his own invincibility was not worth the pain he would be put through. It was a close call, but the human (or fish, depending on which way you look at it) instinct for self-preservation won out in the end.

"Off to Konoha again I take it?"

Another Itachi look.

_"Of course we're going to Konoha you moron. Why else would I let you read the letter?"_

Kisame sometimes marveled and sometimes worried at his ability to interpret Itachi's looks.

And people say that Itachi makes for bad company.

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Setting out ten minutes later, Itachi threw the letter on to the fire and watched it burn.

_Itachi and Kisame,_

_I need your help. You may not know this (or you may) but Konoha now harbours a secret enemy from within. _

_Her name is Kiki._

_She is evil, bad, wicked, uh, evil, um, yeah! You know what I mean._

_Anyhow, she has convinced that bas- uh, I mean Sasuke into believing that she's an Uchiha. A long-lost cousin or something, despite the old hag making it perfectly clear that she came from ANOTHER WORLD!_

_Sakura also worships the ground she walks on and Kakashi-sensei is in love with her!_

_In love! _

_They've only known each other for two hours!_

_I highly doubt that you went to all the trouble of killing everyone except Sasuke and have this happen to him._

_If you don't get here soon, Sasuke will be singing and skipping down the halls, picking flowers and forgetting all about what you did to your family. In fact, he'll probably welcome you with open arms the next time you come._

_So get your pansy ass here quick before Sasuke is corrupted completely by his "cousin"._

_The future Hokage (just you watch Sasuke!),_

_U. Naruto _

_picutre of a (badly drawn) "foxy" Naruto with a victory hand posture_

The paper was quickly consumed by the fire, the words disappearing every second.

Itachi was left with only one lingering thought.

_Pansy ass?_

–––––|||–––––

At the same time in Konoha's hospital, Kurenai's team was all huddled beside a pale and yet strikingly beautiful figure in one of the private rooms on the upper floors.

Team seven (minus Naruto) and their sensei were there also.

Kakashi was holding Kiki's hand and smoothing down her hair, whispering endearments softly.

And generally acting like Kiki had an incurable terminal illness and only had hours to live instead of just chakra depletion.

Sakura was sobbing quietly into Hinata's shoulder, leaning on the older girl for support and comfort.

Sasuke was staring unseeing out the window, incomprehensible thoughts swirling around in his mind.

Before Kiki had come, he was so dark, only focused on killing Itachi.

But the girl, no, _his cousin_, had shown him that he could be a family again. Put what his brother had done to him and their family behind him. Be carefree and happy, he himself, be - alright, we'll end it there before anyone falls asleep.

But now... now...

Sasuke choked back a sob.

He wasn't sure he could hold back the anger and darkness he felt within him without Kiki's guidance and support.

Composing himself, Sasuke looked out the window again, peering disinterestedly at the pale moon, not knowing, that not far away, his brother was looking at the same thing.

Shino and Kiba were still staring in awe at Kiki. Even unconscious, she still managed to look like a goddess, an angel sent from above.

Kurenai was carefully moving around the room, a comforting gesture here, a small smile there, acting like the caring big sister Kiki never had (and secretly craved).

Only Akamaru was acting anywhere near normal.

The puppy was looking from the bed and back to his owner with a hint of confusion on his doggy face.

Something didn't smell right about the human in the bed.

She (for she definitely was a she. No male could smell that flower-ly, no matter how gay he was) had a slight fake smell about her. It was not a smell he'd smelt before and brought up an instinct of self-preservation (a lot of those going on today isn't there?) and a sense of foreboding.

The sort of foreboding that comes when your friends convince you to buy something that you don't think you'll like and you turn out to be wrong. Because you don't not like it, you _hate_ it.

Akamaru now had exactly the same feeling and he whined to gain Kiba's attention, hoping to break his master/companion out of the trance he seemed to be in.

Kiba didn't even twitch.

Feeling suddenly dejected, Akamaru plodded around the room and smelled rather than saw, that everyone seemed to be like Kiba.

Everyone, that is, except the person that had just burst into the room.

With a happy yelp, Akamaru leapt for Naruto, knocking the teenager over.

–––––|||–––––

_**Author's Note: **That's it. The third chapter! (covers face with hands) That was such a bad chapter. If I get time or is inspired, I might redo that chapter. _

_On another note, all reviews were cherished beyond recognition as soon as I received them. Thank you! _


	4. Chapter IV: Possession

_**Story Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_ **Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_**_ Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

–––––|||–––––

Naruto was barely in the room for two seconds before something, small, soft and white knocked him over.

Wheezing at the sudden attack on his lungs, Naruto squinted down his chest only to see Akamaru bouncing up and down slightly, yelping in what he only hoped was a happy manner.

"Kiba! Kiba you jackass! get your dumb mutt off me!" Naruto shouted, trying desperately to pry Akamaru off his chest and therefore, regain his precious ability to inhale air.

For Naruto minus oxygen equals a dead Naruto. And if Naruto is dead, then, well, this story is pretty pointless, no?

Akamaru whined at being called a dumb mutt.

It was not dumb thank you very much!

And to show his displeasure at being described as something which lacked mental power, Akamaru chomped down on Naruto's nose. Hard.

Screeching like a banshee, Naruto jumped to his feet and literally ripped Akamaru from his face, unfortunately taking a good chunk of his nose with it.

Kyuubi rolled his eyes within Naruto's body.

What was it that needed healing _now?_

If it wasn't a broken arm, it was a bomb blast.

As the giant fox set to tending Naruto's nose, the demon sulked.

It deserved better pay damnit!

And a dental plan. A_ good _dental plan.

Or, at least some drapes for his cell.

There was absolutely no decoration _anywhere_ and Kyuubi was sick and tired of staring at grey walls for the rest of Naruto's life.

He was a demon for God's sake. You would think that being the most feared being in the history of history meant that he received better conditions than this!

It was worse than slave labour. And don't get him started on the bad plumbing (the dripping water was _really _starting to grate on his nerves after twelve years) and the lighting fixtures of his prison (what's up with the whole eternal darkness thing?).

Grumbling about contacting his trade union, Kyuubi grudgingly fixed Naruto's nose so that it was as good as new. Wouldn't want another Michael Jackson do we?

As Naruto gingerly inspected his nose with one hand, the other one was gripping Akamaru's fur, holding the white dog as far away from his face as possible.

Akamaru whined pitifully and Naruto set him down with a scowl.

("Do I get a thank you for fixing his nose? Noooooooooooooo... He never thanks me for anything I do for him! Ungrateful brat! You just wait until I contact my Union rep. You'll be sorry than! I'm gonna sue your ass to hell and back. Just you watch!" Kyuubi nodded at his own intelligence)

"Kaka-sensei?" Naruto asked tentatively, shutting the door behind him softly.

His sensei didn't look up, but the slight inclination of his head showed that he had, at least, acknowledged Naruto's presence.

"Sasuke-bastard?"

Sasuke turned his attention from the window to the blond and Naruto repressed a shudder at the empty look of the avenger's eyes.

"What Naruto?"

Naruto bit the inside of his mouth to keep from shouting _'It's not Naruto you bastard! It's dobe! DOBE! D-O-B-E! And what the hell is wrong with you!' _and instead turned his attention to the rest of the occupants.

Sakura was still crying into Hinata's shoulders. Shino and Kiba had sat down by the bed, keeping up what looked like a vigil for the "fallen" Kiki.

The silence strained until a knocked sounded.

A misty eyed nurse came in, a vase of beautiful roses in her arms.

"This was from the all the jounin," she explained softly, before stifling a soft sob at the sight of Kiki.

As the nurse left the room, Naruto couldn't help but catch a few stray words and phrases.

"..so sad...so young...hope she makes it..."

Naruto's eye twitched.

A second later, the nurse returned with two more vases of flowers.

"From the grocer down the street and this is from Iruka-san."

Naruto's eyes widened. _Hell no... Not Iruka-sensei too. _

_Can't stay here._

With that thought, Naruto mumbled some excuse before stumbling from the room.

It wasn't until he'd made it out of the building that he realised a small white bundle of fur was following him.

–––––|||–––––

"What's wrong with this one?"

A small bark answered his question.

"Is that all you can do? Bark?"

Akamaru whined instead.

Naruto growled but threw the can of dog food back on to the shelves.

"Stupid picky mutt."

Picking up another can, Naruto shoved it into Akamaru's face.

"I swear I'll skin you alive and make your fur into a hat if you don't like this type of dog food."

Akamaru wisely decided to stay silent and Naruto smirked in triumph. Piling ten cans of the dog food into his basket, Naruto then proceeded to fill the rest of space with ramen.

Five minutes later, they were out of the store and heading towards Naruto's apartment.

"I can't believe Kiba hasn't come looking for you yet."

Akamaru whined, showing he agreed readily with Naruto's sentiment.

Then promptly began a conversation of barks and yelps with Naruto.

Two minutes later, Naruto looked down and saw the expectant look on Akamaru's face.

"Wait! You thought I understood _that_?"

_Duh. _If dogs could roll eyes, Akamaru would've done so at that moment.

"I'm not a frickin' mutt!"

Way to state the obvious.

The bickering continued well after they got to Naruto's apartment and as the blond prepared for bed.

After the events of that day, Naruto's head barely touched the pillow before his wariness caught up with him and he fell asleep.

–––––|||–––––

Blue eyes opened to a slit and a moan escaped his lips.

Why was the sun so bright? Was it always this bright?

A loud bark and a growl sounded from the kitchen.

"Interesting company you have here Naruto."

The blond jerked up in bed and stared at the person perched on the edge of his bed.

"Uchiha Itachi?"

Itachi discretely rolled his eyes. _No, I'm a fairy._

Well, somebody's best friend was sarcasm.

Naruto was out of bed, a kunai in his hand the next second as his sleep-ridden brain finally caught up with the program.

"What are you doing here?" Naruto hissed, eyes narrowed and the Kyuubi's chakra swirling angrily around his body.

"You asked for my help."

_Huh?_ Confusion slowly melted into comprehension which slowly changed to gratefulness.

"Oh, thank God you're here!"

With that, Naruto lunged at Itachi, catching the elder Uchiha unaware as he wrapped his arms around his waist.

"You have no idea what's happened!"

"Get. Off. Me."

Eyes started twitching and Sharigans started swirling.

All that twitching can't be good for one's health, but Itachi didn't seem to be aware of the health risks of excessive eye twitching.

Naruto scowled but stepped back as Itachi wished.

"Well, excuuuuuuuuse me Mr. I'm-not-human-therefore-don't-touch-me."

The twitching increased ten-fold, but Naruto paid no heed.

"You were abused as a child weren't you?"

And jumped back as various sharp and pointy things embedded the spot he was standing on before.

"Sheesh, no need to go all psycho on me."

By now, Naruto's brain was seriously considering moving out and finding itself a new home. Maybe it could be a hermit crab and find it's own little shell or something. It wasn't like Naruto would miss it that much.

_Shut up Naruto. Just. Shut. Up. _

Sadly, the blond paid no heed to the lump of grey matter within his skull.

_That's it,_ his brain thought. _I'm moving out right now! _

However, the sound of glass breaking and then Akamaru's bark woke Naruto from his oh so insightful conversation with Itachi and the blond dashed to the kitchen.

The sight that met him there sent the blond into a wave of laughter.

Kisame growled and fingered his sword.

"What?"

The threat and menace was clear in his voice, but Naruto couldn't stop the laughter.

Akamaru whined and butted Naruto softly with is head.

Naruto was still snickering too hard to be of any help.

Kisame continued to glare at the blond and was just about to commit murder when Itachi spoke up.

"Kisame, are you eating dog food?"

A tense silence, only disturbed by Naruto's laughter, followed.

"..."

"You are eating dog food."

You could almost feel the disbelief and disgust from our favourite Uchiha.

"...I like the chewy bits."

Naruto dropped to the floor, clutching his stomach, tears of laughter pouring from his eyes.

"..chewy...bits?"

Kisame opened his mouth, to explain, but Itachi waved him off.

"Nevermind, don't want to know."

Kisame closed his mouth with a snap. Well technically, it wasn't _his_ fault.

It was all Inner Kisame's doing.

As soon as Kisame had entered the kitchen and saw the cans of dog food sitting on the counter, a feeling of doom settled over him as Inner Kisame bounced excitedly.

Somehow Inner Kisame had been afflicted with the fascination that all children seem to have with dog food.

Once the idea had been put into Kisame's head, the shark-man couldn't get rid of it. Which was why, ten minutes later, a can of half-eaten dog food with a spoon sticking out the top was on the table, in front of Kisame.

And why Akamaru was so angry.

They bloody fish-human-hybrid-freak was eating his food!

_His_ food.

Growling, Akamaru lunged and bit down on Kisame's ankle.

Yelping and jumping to his feet, Kisame shook his leg until Akamaru sailed off his leg.

Glaring and snarling at the dog, Kisame snatched the half finished can of dog food from the table and cradled it lovingly against his chest.

Itachi's eye twitched again.

Oh God, why does _he_ always get the idiots?

"Kisame, put the can down."

"But - "

"Can. Down. Now."

"B-but! The chewy bits!"

Itachi closed his eyes and took deep breaths.

_One. Two. Three. _

_I am cool, calm and collected. _

_Four. Five. Six. _

_I am a calm lake in spring. _

_Seven. Eight. Nine. _

_This is just a cloud passing over my surface._

_Ten._

_The cloud can do nothing by shadow my surface._

_One. Two. Three. Four._

_It will never disturb my calm surface._

_Five. Six. Sev -_

**_Not unless it rains on ya!_**

Itachi's eyes snapped open as that sudden thought interrupted his anger management technique in keeping calm (not that it helped much).

Bloody hell! That last thought sounded suspiciously like Naruto.

Itachi fought the urge to moan. He _so_ did not need a Naruto-sound-alike in his brain.

Speaking of the blond...

Glancing down, Itachi fought back a scream of anguish as he realised that the blond had finally fainted from the lack of oxygen that resulted in his excessive laughing.

And boys and girls, that's why Neji never laughs. The whole, "never be caught unprepared and faint from excessive laughing in case I need to prove I am better than the Main House" thing he had going on.

Rolling his eyes, Itachi just settled for snatching the can of dog food out of Kisame's hands and throwing it in the bin.

Kisame had been eying the food ever since Itachi started his mental mantra about being a lake. (And people say that Sasuke's weird)

Kisame scowled, but didn't complain.

But, he had really like the chewy bits!

And felt a sudden, and rather savage, sense of satisfaction as Akamaru bit Itachi for throwing away his food.

–––––|||–––––

_**Author's Note:** Hope you all enjoyed this chapter!_

_All reviews were drooled and hugged and cherished. Thank you! _


	5. Chapter V: Infiltration

_**Story Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_ **Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_**_ Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

–––––|||–––––

Today was not Naruto's day. It was evident from the first moment when the blonde opened his eyes.

Of course, whilst every other teenager girl (and some boys) would be rejoicing and salivating at the thought of waking up to find Uchiha Itachi sitting on their beds, Naruto didn't in the least bit feel completely elated that the older Uchiha (currently dubbed Bastard #2, for clearer clarification in future references) was perched on the end of his bed, looking strangely like a fairy.

Like, Naruto was grateful that he had come and everything, but still! This was Itachi we're talking about.

Uchiha Itachi.

The murderer.

Extremely hot, but still a murderer.

And considering that Akatsuki was after his blood, Naruto wasn't at all comfortable with inviting them in the first place and was starting to regret his rash letter.

Maybe he should've thought it through more, but thinking it through was not a, well, _notable _feature of Naruto's mentality and the authoress didn't see why this letter had to get special attention by making Naruto slightly OOC.

However, back to the story and the morning only got worse as Naruto found Kisame devouring dog food like it was his last meal on earth on something. Needless to say, Naruto's respect for the awe-inspiring and terrorizing Akatsuki group just dropped several hundred million notches.

Out of all things, dog food!

And the morning only went downhill from there.

So, it was pretty fair to say that Naruto's day didn't seem too bright.

–––––|||–––––

_"Freak..."_

_"Slut..."_

_"Loser..."_

"No.." Kiki moaned helplessly as the voices echoed in her mind.

_"You were always useless..."_

_"You'll become a whore, just like your mother..."_

"Please...stop."

_"You're nothing..."_

_"Get out of my way...loser!"_

"No! Stop! I'm not a loser! I'm not!"

_"Ha, you think you'll ever be like us? You're nothing, worse than dirt."_

_"Nobody loves you!"_

_"Aw! Is the freak all alone?"_

"NO!" The strangled sob tore its ways from Kiki's throat as the girl sat up in bed, gasping for breath.

Kakashi immediately snapped awake, one hand already reaching for his weapons.

"Oh, Kaka!" (how degrading)

With that, Kiki threw herself at the older man, tears streaming down her face all the while.

"Killie?" Kakashi asked worriedly, concern oozing from every pore in his body.

(I don't know which nickname is worse)

"...it was so horrible," Kiki whispered, wrapping her arms around the ninja and burying her face in his neck.

Needless to say that during this commotion, nobody apart from Kakashi woke up, despite the fact that the room was full of ninjas who were ready for action within 0.245 seconds of any suspicious sounds (like Kiki's heart-wrenching shout of "NO!" for instance).

Kakashi smoothed back her perfect (of course) hair and slid a finger under her chin.

"What's wrong?"

Kiki broke down again, every tear shining like a perfect diamond in the sunlight, catching the sun's ray in such a way that their sparkle out sparkled every precious jewel on this earth, _combined._

"..."

Frustrated at the lack of answer from his soulmate, his "other half", the person-he-would-die-for, etc. etc, Kakashi rested his forehead against Kiki's.

"Please, tell me," he whispered brokenly, heart breaking at the thought of not being able to help Kiki when she was obviously in so much pain.

Opening her mouth, Kiki looked torn and yet somehow relieved to be able to finally tell someone of her inner demons. After all, where would our Mary Sue be without her own set of specially customized demons? Inner demons are practically a job requirement for Mary Sues.

"Good-morning everyone!"

The two jumped at the obnoxiously loud and cheerful voice.

Tuning around, they stared as Naruto bounced into the room. Consequently, the blonde's shout had _(finally!)_ also awakened everybody else in the room.

Looking over at his sensei and his new "girlfriend", Naruto grinned wickedly. Annoying Kiki was his new mission life. At that precise moment, it rated even higher than his desire to become Hokage.

_(Insert fainting readers here)_

"Hope I wasn't interrupting anything," he said coyly, plopping down on the edge of the bed without an invitation.

Kiki blushed prettily, the redness enhancing her perfect features as she pulled hastily away from Kakashi. The jounin, meanwhile, looked less than pleased and shot our favourite blonde a rather nasty look before smoothing back Kiki's hair and tugging the blankets up, making sure that his "Killie" wasn't cold or anything.

Because, it is _so_ easy to be cold in a heated hospital room facing an obscenely large window of which sunlight was pouring through.

"Naruto, get off the bed. You're disturbing Kiki-san's rest by making that dent with your ass."

That's our Sakura, always the eloquent one.

The blond complied willingly, remembering back to what Itachi had told him that morning, after he had returned to the world of the living again.

_"Don't draw attention to yourself. Be like everyone else. Worship her."_

_Incredulous stares. _

_Both Kisame and Naruto started backing away slowly. _

_"Are you screwing with me? Worship her! You crazy motherfu-"_

_Several sharp weapons suddenly found them embedded very close to Naruto's face and his lower regions._

_Ten kunai had also managed to pin his arms and upper body to the wall he had tipped his chair against. _

_"Yes Naruto-kun?"_

_"Er.." nervous choking noise "..nothing."_

_"Good. As I was saying, just act like everyone else and try to find out any weaknesses that she has."_

_More nervous choking noises, only to be sporadically broken by muffled snickers. _

_Impatient glare from Itachi. _

_"What?"_

_The hiss only seem to make Naruto more nervous. _

_"Can you, um, remove your weapons now?"_

_Kisame took all he could take. Tripping over an orange jacket lying on the floor, the sharkman tumbled over backwards, but was not deterred in his quest of laughing Naruto into oblivion. _

_Itachi's eyes dipped down and even he couldn't help the slight smirk that covered his face._

_It had seemed that he had somehow miscalculated one of his throws and a kunai now pinned Naruto to his chair by the groin bit of his pants. It was clear that if the blonde made one wrong move (or twitch), some very important bits were going to be very detached from the rest of his body. _

_Naruto squeaked rather girlishly as Itachi reached over, but didn't dare move as the older Uchiha's hand hovered over the handle. _

_"Did you understand what I said?"_

_"Yes!"_

_"No objections then?"_

_"NO!"_

_"So I'm not a motherfu-"_

_"NO! Now get your kunai out of my pants!"_

_Silence reigned for a full minute before the other meaning of Naruto's words made itself known in their sick, sick minds. _

_Raised eyebrows (Itachi), more chortles/snickers (Kisame) and blushes (guess who) ensued. _

_"T-that's not what I m-meant! You know that's not what I meant! Just take your bloody kunai!"_

_"That's not very polite Naruto-kun," Itachi purred, seeming enjoying the tormented (and disgusted) look on Naruto's face as he leaned in a bit too close for comfort. "What's the magic word?"_

_"PLEASE!" Naruto shouted, now mentally disturbed and scarred for life. _

_Squeezing his eyes closed as Itachi leaned in even further (looks like someone was going for a lip-lock), Naruto mentally prayed to every known (and even some he made up on the spot) deity/god that every existed. _

_ pleasedon'tletthishappenipromisei'llbegoodandi'lleatallmyvegetablesandwashbehindmyearspleasegetthisfreakawayfromme_

_"Off you go to the hospital now Naruto!"_

_Naruto's eyes snapped open as he realised that he was no longer pinned to the chair and that Itachi was no long in his bubble._

_Without further encouragement, Naruto grabbed his poor trodden on jacket and ran for his life. _

"A-are you a-alright Nar-ruto?"

Naruto jerked from his life-altering (and not in a good way) thoughts and looked up at the blue/black haired girl casting him shy, yet concerned looks.

"Huh?"

_Smooooooth. _

Hinata blushed to the roots of her hair and quickly made her circle finger thing that always reminded Naruto of a retarded photographer pose where their hands made the square to substitute a real lens.

"N-nothing."

Naruto shrugged off her strange behaviour and went back to his discrete surveillance of Kiki.

The girl was currently in a hushed conversation with Kakashi, their heads bent so much that their foreheads were touching.

Naruto felt like throwing up, upon seeing the totally devoted and lovesick expression in his sensei's eye.

Looking rather desperately around him, Naruto gleefully grabbed one of the many vases of roses (for Kiki's favourite flower was the rose. Like, oh my gosh, what, like, else would it, like, be?) situated around the room.

Balancing it between his fingers, Naruto let the rose fly, as he would a senbon.

Without one strand of hair flickering out of place, Kiki reached up and caught the rose perfectly between her fingers, an inch from her face (wouldn't want scar that pretty face, would we?).

The reaction was immediate.

Everybody had Naruto pinned in the corner in two seconds flat, weapons out and advancing at an alarming rate.

"No! Wait! I wasn't trying to hurt her. I just wanted to, er, give her that rose, 'cause, you know... She, uh, likes roses and, well, uh...stuff. I guess I just threw it a bit harder than I expected!"

"Yes everyone, I'm sure that's what Naruto was doing. No need to get all worked up for little old me." Kiki rushed to Naruto's defence quickly, seeing the scared look in the blonde's eyes. The natural goodness in her heart spoke to her and she couldn't let such an injustice go forward.

Although Kiki knew that Naruto didn't like her for some reason, she was determined to find out why.

After all, Kiki wasn't stupid! Coming first in every single subject at school (for she was _so_ good and balanced her time _so_ well that she could do _every_ single subject offered. Despite the fact that it's not _ physically_ possible to fit _every_ subject on to a timetable, Kiki somehow pulled it off) and was actually in her last year of high school, even though she was only sixteen.

Which was why Kiki could see the thinly veiled hate and distrust for her in Naruto's eyes.

"Hey!" Naruto blurted out finally, startling Kiki out of her thoughts. "I thought you said you didn't know how to fight or use a weapon!"

Kiki frowned slightly, amber eyes twinkling in thought and concentration.

"I don't," she answered slowly, mind already seeing what Naruto was trying to say (see how bright Kiki was? She could even read minds).

"Then how the hell did you catch that rose?"

"I-I don't know."

Naruto was left deeply unsatisfied by that answer despite the fact that no one else seemed to care.

It wasn't fair really. Naruto couldn't get away with anything! If he was late by ten minutes because he had drank bad milk, his sensei would've been all up in his face reprimanding him about the virtues of being on time.

Which was actually quite funny, seeing as whose mouth, exactly, those words were coming from.

"But you could've have just woken up and went 'Gee, I can use weapons now!'. That's not possible. You must've known before!"

Kiki looked distressed at Naruto's words.

"I really don't know," she said, tears shimmering in her eyes again.

_Oh bloody hell_, Naruto thought quite rudely, but finally deciding to keep quiet, seeing the look in Kakashi's visible eye. _What is it **now?**_

"It's always been like this!" Kiki exclaimed suddenly, seemingly unloading some deep, dark secret she had been harbouring her whole life. "I don't know what's wrong w-with me! I-it's been like this since I w-was five- " sob " - it was the first day of p-preschool and I knew all the a-answers to all the qu-questions. I could e-even do the grade three m-maths - " sniff sniff " - It was the same in high school. It wasn't _my_ fault that I just _knew_ how to advanced calculus when I was only thirteen without having seen it before!"

Kakashi quickly shushed Kiki and turned to give Naruto his patented SuperScaryKakashiStirkeYouWhereYouStandLightningGlare™ and Naruto quickly (and smartly) made the decision to get out of the room.

"I'm sorry for, uh, causing... this - " _like hell I am _" - thingy... um. I'll just leave now." _Before I throw up or let Kyuubi loose on 'Kiki-kins'!_

With that mumbled and rather lame excuse as to Kiki started crying and babbling on like an idiot without reason, Naruto ran out of the room.

_Not good. Soooooo not good. Itachi is gonna bust my balls for making her cry. Please dear God, don't make him pin me to my chair again. I promise I'll be a good boy. Very good boy. I'll eat my vegetables and brush my teeth and train really REALLY hard. I'll even rid this world of the abomination that is known as 'Kiki'. Please don't let Itachi kill me. Please don't - _

However, God was not in a happy mood that day. _Oh no._ And poor little Naruto was going to suffer dearly for it.

Why?

Simple really.

Because Naruto just solidly bashed into another person who had been walking in the opposite direction - namely, towards him.

And this person was carrying a _very_ full, _very_ hot and _very_ needed cup of coffee.

Incidentally, this _very_ fully, _very_ hot and _very_ needed cup of coffee tipped back into its holder.

Uchiha Itachi growled under his breath, Sharigan already swirling at the blonde.

His look plainly said - '_how dare you, you worthless piece of vermin. You just spilt my holy coffee, the beverage you have no privilege of existing in the world as. Now I shall smite you where you stand for the unspeakable crime you have committed'._

Of course then, my dear readers, you can imagine Naruto's fear of his imminent death and his worry at his rather Kisame-like ability to interpret Itachi's looks.

I mean, it's not like the ability is _that _common. The only other person who had been able to communicate completely through a series of eyebrow quirks, muscle twitches and looks with Itachi was Sasuke (and even that was chalked down to their genes).

As Itachi advanced, Naruto closed his eyes and sighed in dejection.

Nope, today wasn't Naruto's day at all.

–––––|||–––––

"So, poison then?" Itachi asked calmly, sipping on his third cup of coffee in twenty minutes.

Kisame nodded wearily, still eying his partner.

The unconscious (and rather battered) Naruto remained very still (as unconscious people tend to do) at their feet.

The trio were back in Naruto's cosy apartment again.

Luckily for the blonde, Kisame had found Itachi in a back alley, torturing the blonde. Judging by the size of the coffee stain, Kisame could see why Itachi seemed especially incensed at the younger ninja.

Kisame stopped Itachi before he could do _too_ much bodily harm to Naruto and after a cup of coffee, Kisame (now affectionately dubbed as Sharky) hurled Naruto's unconscious ass back to his apartment.

"Kisame?"

Kisame snapped out of his thoughts. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say."

Of course, Sharky hadn't heard a word of Itachi's, being too engrossed in his own (and obviously, therefore more important) thoughts.

"Poison it is then."

Kisame only nodded before jumping to his feet in agitation.

"I can't stand this! This place is a dump! Where's the frickin' broom!"

Itachi just sipped his coffee calmly as his obsessive compulsive partner tore up the flat looking for the broom that Naruto didn't even own.

–––––|||–––––

_**Author's Note: **LOL! I'm sorry folks, but I could not help making Itachi coffee obsessed. It's just so overdone and so like him and.. and.. stuff! (I'm becoming like Kakashi... --" ) _

_Sorry for the long time no update! I was just busy with school. (sighs) It's always school isn't it?_

_Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!_

_Review please?_


	6. Chapter VI: Declaration

_**Story Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_ **Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_**_ Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

–––––|||–––––

As stated in the previous five chapters, Kiki was perfect.

So, by default her immune system was perfect as well.

It was so perfect that it was sickening.

After all, Naruto should know.

He had nearly thrown up in disgust when he realised that poison had no effect on the black haired, amber eyed, Uchiha wannabe.

And not just any poison.

Oh _NO_!

It was the most poison-est poison found in Konoha.

So, needless to say, it was pretty damn bad.

Which was why Naruto could only watch, open mouth, eyes wide as Kiki slurped (gracefully, of course) the décaf, skim-milk latté without a care in the world.

Even the tongue-scorching temperatures of the beverage didn't seem to bother her.

Kiki just sat there, almost on Kakashi's lap (talk about too much PDA), sipping her décaf, skim-milk latté in the sophisticated manner that even Miss Universe couldn't hope to match.

And successfully managed to ingest enough poison to kill a small elephant.

When Naruto had reported back to Itachi on the failure of **Operation Kill Kiki,** the older Uchiha was _not happy_.

In fact, Itachi was so upset that Naruto thought that he might've seen something that could've constituted for human emotion flicker past Itachi's face.

That mere fact was enough to send the blond into a mini-breakdown.

So now, two days after the dismal failure that was **Operation Kill Kiki**, Naruto was armed and ready for **Operation Kill Kiki: The Second Wave.**

... (speechless and in shock, the authoress tries valiantly to recover from this onslaught of sheer _stupidity_)

What the fu-

Kisame, just realising that his mental prowess was in question and doubt, raises his huge (and _extremely_ sharp) sword at the authoress, as if daring her to continue that sentence.

_Ahem._

I mean, that's an, uh, _original_ and _witty_ name Kisame.

And that, ladies and gents, is the story of how Itachi will never, _ever_ allow Kisame to choose names for their missions again.

But, back to this story.

Our favourite blond hero was currently shuffling down the street, looking grim and unlike his usual bubbly self.

"Oh, let _Naruto_ do it! It's not like he'll _actually_ mind. It doesn't really _matter_ that Kaka-sensei can decapitate him in half a second. It's not like his life actually means _anything_... stupid Ita-bastard. When I get my hands on him..."

And the rest of Naruto's self-muttering is lost in a whirlwind of indignant mumbles and surprisingly vulgar curses.

My, my, my.. it sure looks like Itachi has successfully knocked himself out of Naruto's top twenty-five-most-favourite-people list.

Such a loss I'm sure.

"Oi, dobe! Where have you been?"

Naruto jerked out of his rant and pouted at Sasuke.

"None of your business."

Seeming hurt by that short rebuke, Sasake scowled, crossed his arms and glared back.

Rolling his eyes at Sasuke's girl-like mood swings, Naruto crossed the street to join his team and - _shudder _- Kiki.

Although, at the moment, the guest was almost leering at Sasuke, a knowing gleam in her eyes.

Naruto raised an eyebrow at Kiki's almost pedophile-like behaviour. And aimed at Sasuke too.

Oh my...

_Not just any pedophile, huh? But incest-y pedophile. You sick, twisted bitc- _

And promptly got knocked out of his thoughts by Sasuke's slap to the back of his head.

"_What!_"

Sasuke didn't say anything, but just gave him a meaningful and highly disturbing look.

Not just one, but_ several_ moments of silences passed as Sasuke continued to pin Naruto with his look and the blond couldn't help feel like something horrible was going to happen.

Something so terrible that it would make the arrival of Kiki look like a picnic.

Whilst the probability of something that bad actually happening was in the negatives, Naruto's feelings couldn't help but increase at Kiki winked at him.

And Naruto's world, as he knew it, collapsed around him.

Because, at that moment, Sasuke grabbed his collar, pulled him in and kissed him.

Yes readers, you read correctly.

Our resident Ice Prince, Bastard #1, Mr-Touch-Me-And-Die had just kissed Naruto.

Naruto's eyes widened to impossible proportions before he finally got his (hysterical) wits back and shoved the other boy off him.

Wiping his mouth in disgust, Naruto fought the urge to throw up the ramen he had just consumed.

"Y-you... y-you.. sick... fu-"

"Don't you love me Naruto?"

Naruto choked at the unexpected question.

"_WHAT? _What the _hell _gave you the impression that I _loved_ you, you demented son of a bi-"

"B-but, you k-kissed me."

Naruto's eyes were now officially bulging. In fact, it was a surprise that they hadn't dropped right out his skull yet.

"When the hell did _I_ kiss _you_!"

"First day of class. Remember Naruto?"

The blond's head whipped towards his female teammate.

Sakura was meanwhile, surveying him with a disapproving look.

Mouth gaping like a fish out of water, Naruto took a tiny step back. And then another. And another, jus to be on the safe side.

"Come on Naruto," Sakura huffed in irritation, glancing at her watch ever so often. "Just kiss Sasuke and be over with it already. We all know you secretly love each other. I'm going to be late for a shopping date with Ino if you don't hurry up."

"B-but don't _you_ like Sasuke?"

Sakura rolled her eyes at the outburst from Naruto.

"Gosh Naruto, you're _so_ thick. I _never_ liked Sasuke. I was just doing Sasuke a favour by making you jealous."

"Oh my God," Naruto whispered, as he paled significantly. Hands clasped together, Naruto couldn't help but pray that this nightmare would all be over soon.

"I don't know what's wrong with all of you, but this is wrong. This is _ seriously_ wrong. I don't love Sasuke -" Sasuke's eyes widened as tears glimmered " - and I'm sure that he doesn't love me. This is all some big misunder-"

"But I do love you Naruto!"

And with that Sasuke launched himself at the other boy, catching Naruto around the waist.

"I love you so much. I'm sorry I was such a bastard to you before, but I love you. I've always loved it. If it wasn't for Kiki then -"

"So it was _you_!" Naruto all but roared at the smug Kiki, fingers pointing and tone accusing. He didn't even seem to realise that Sasuke was still dangling off his waist, gazing up at him like some forlorn lover.

Naruto couldn't believe this. He really couldn't.

For now, he understood the true evil of Kiki.

In less than a week, the menace had somehow managed to convince Sakura into believing that she had never loved Sasuke and Sasuke into believing that he was in love with Naruto.

Oh, watch out Kiki. You're _so_ going down buddy, if the furious look in Naruto's eye had anything to do with your (undoubtedly painful) death.

But then, Naruto felt something that he should never feel at the nape of his neck.

For in our unlikely hero's attempt to spontaneously combust Kiki with the strength of his glare, he had all but forgotten that Sasuke was still hanging off him like a leech.

And who was currently sucking (excuse the pun) his neck and generally acting like a vampire.

Shrieking in horror, Naruto wormed his way out of the Uchiha's grasps and backed up a good few feet, making sure that there was ample distance between him and his "admirer".

"Get away from me you twisted bastard!"

Sasuke looked shocked at the outburst and stumbled a few steps backwards.

"I-I'm sorry Naruto," he whispered, before escaping from the concerned looks everyone, bar Naruto, was shooting him and ran as fast as he could.

"That was inconsiderate Naruto," Kakashi scolded, frowning at Naruto.

Eyes twitching slightly at the _surprises_ the day had presented him with, Naruto took a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

_No, it wouldn't do any good to scream bloody murder. No good at all. Nor would it be any good unleash Kyuubi on Kiki. Nope, no good. Destroying the world wouldn't be worth destroying Kiki. Not worth it at all. Not.. worth... it... Must... not... give.. into.. temptation..._

"How could you do that Naruto? That was really heartless. You should find Sasuke and apologise, _now_."

Naruto's twitching increased ten-fold as Sakura continued to reprimand him about his cruel and heart-shattering behaviour towards their other teammate.

Not able to take anymore without seriously losing all his marbles, Naruto stifled a crazed giggle before turning and running in the opposite direction from Sasuke.

Incidentally, he had all but forgotten **Operation Kill Kiki: The Second Wave.**

Itachi wasn't going to be happy about that.

No siree bob.

–––––|||–––––

Itachi flopped rather uncharacteristically onto the couch.

After Naruto had come back about six hours ago, it had the Akatsuki pair forever to calm the poor boy down. Even Akamaru didn't know what to do.

The puppy had tried licking Naruto's neck, to get Naruto's attention.

And boy, did the dog get Naruto's attention. The blond had almost thrown Akamaru out the window.

Poor Akamaru. All he was trying to do was help. Naruto didn't need to act so rough or impolite. It wasn't like Naruto's neck was sensitive or anything.

Although there had been that funny red mark...

In the end Akamaru had curled up next to Naruto, keeping the boy company and making sure that Naruto wouldn't try to do something stupid. Like jump off a building.

After all, Naruto was acting like his mentality had irrevocably crushed.

_With good reason to,_ Itachi thought as he covered his eyes with his arm, lips curving into a small smirk.

_Sasuke in "love" with Naruto. Who would've thought? It's only so amusing because Sasuke is so obviously asexual that it's painful. My little brother couldn't find love in someone else even if he tried. He flies solo all way, and I mean **all **the way. But Kiki must be killed. If she's powerful enough to convince Sasuke that he's gay, then - _

Kisame interrupted Itachi's inner musings by all but squashing Itachi as he tried to cram his bulky frame on the couch.

If one listened close enough, one could almost hear the couch groaning.

The poor, poor couch. It would never be the same after having Kisame's ass on it.

Then again, nothing would be the same after coming into contact with Kisame's ass.

And then, the couch's inner musings was interrupted by a knock on the door.

The pair shared a look.

_Get the door Kisame._

**_No, you get it Itachi._**

_Kisame...-glares-_

**_Itachi... -mocking smirk-_**

_Do you want to taste my wrath?_

**_Does it taste like chicken? 'Cause I heard that wrath tastes like chic- Alright alright! Sheesh. No need to get all worked up! And put that Sharigan away. -rolls eyes-_**

Somehow managing to convey all that in one look, Kisame yawned, got up and ambled towards the door.

Looking through the peep hole, Kisame's whole body froze before he reared back, swearing like a junkie who'd been robbed of his last shot.

"What?"

Itachi was already on his feet, weapons out and Sharigan doing their happy dance again, ready to send whoever dared disturb his rest into oblivion.

"It's Kiki. She's outside."

"_What!_ How's that poss-"

"..Itachi? Is that you?"

Both males whipped towards the voice and both tensed as they saw Kiki beside the couch, somehow making it into the apartment without both elite ninja noticing her presence.

Ah, Kiki. Always the perfect ninja.

–––––|||–––––

_**Author's Note:** There it is! After so long of waiting... here it finally is! I am so sorry! Really I am. But school's a bitch and I have a week of tests coming up and I haven't even finished my notes, let alone started really studying._

_I am so screwed..._

_BTW, this story is not a homosexual-bashing story. After all, if any of you have read my other story, then you know I have nothing against gay people. I just have something against Sasuke whose been make gay by a Mary Sue. It's jus so OOC that it's kinda disturbing._

_Besides, I'm fully in favour of Sasuke being asexual. I mean, come on. Look at him! he ain't gonna get no lovin' no matter how pretty his face is. _

_And yes, go evil me! -does a little jig- My first REAL cliffhanger of the story! I'm so proud. _

_Thanks to everyone that reviewed to the last chapter! -gives virtual hugs-_


	7. Chapter VII: Infatuation

**_Story Details:_** _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_**Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_** _Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. **ATTENTION: **I have just raised the rating of this chapter to **T+ **because of some swear words that I have never managed to finish in other chapters. I know. Shock, horror, eh? So yes, you read correctly. There will actually be **COMPLETE **swear words. Oh my gosh. I think the world's about to end. _

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_**Recap:**_

_**Both males whipped towards the voice and both tensed as they saw Kiki beside the couch, somehow making it into the apartment without both elite ninja noticing her presence. **_

_**Ah, Kiki. Always the perfect ninja. **_

––––––––––

Itachi took one look at the Sasuke-proclaimed Uchiha in front of him and could see vaguely (_very_ vaguely mind you) why everyone was so crazy about her.

And not just in the metaphorical sense either.

The black haired, amber eyed teenager-turned-woman in front of him was undoubtedly the most beautiful example of the female human species he had ever seen.

From her greaseless long hair to her flawless just-dark-enough-to-tease-tan, Kiki was every inch every man's dream.

Except for Itachi of course.

'Cause getting it on with your cousin (even if it said person wasn't really your cousin) was _not _cool.

Not even in Itachi's relative-massacring, joining the "other" side, "How to be Your Inner Evil Self" manual.

Which was why the elder Uchiha was currently regarding Kiki with a look that was usually reserved for cockroaches who'd somehow found their way into the family picnic basket.

Kiki, of course, was used to such looks (considering the whole tear-jerking, heart-wrenching, "my-life-was-not-worth-living-until-I-met-you-Kakashi" thing she had going on) and paid little attention to it.

For she was not here to argue or even fight with Itachi. Deep down in her heart she knew that Itachi was not the evil son-of-a-bitch he seemed to be on the outside.

And Itachi knew too.

He just didn't know that he knew it yet.

But Kiki was here to help him realise it . After all, Kiki was good at helping people realise their "inner" self like that. Just look at Sasuke.

Besides, Kiki didn't want to hurt Itachi if they did fight (which they won't, since Kiki is opposed to the whole violence thing).

"What are you doing here?" Itachi all but hissed.

Kiki managed to look wounded, slighted indignant and amused in one go.

Itachi just blinked. He didn't think that it was possible for a face to twitch like.

Or that fast.

"Itachi, listen to me," Kiki stated, rather pointlessly, if you ask Itachi. After all, isn't that what he was doing anyway? Listening to her?

I mean, nobody asks a person what they were doing without expecting an answer.

What was Kiki? Thick?

"You're not evil. I know you're not evil. You're just _special_. Come back to Konoha. Start the Uchiha family again. Please. If you don't do it for Sasuke, do it for me."

Itachi blinked again, before growling softly.

Now just wait a damn minute.

Since when was Itachi _not_ evil? Kiki really was dropped on the head as a baby wasn't she?

Itachi had just massacred his whole family (bar Sasuke). M-A-S-S-A-C-R-E-D. Since when did massacre not equal evil?

Itachi was willing to bet that if he popped in at Kiki's house and killed _her_ whole family, she wouldn't be all "you're not evil, you're special".

And since when did Kiki mean anything other than "target practice" for Itachi?

Turn his back on Akatsuki for _her_? Who the hell did she think she was? The bloody Queen of the World or something? Then again, knowing Kiki, that probably wasn't too far off the mark.

Of course, in that inner-mini tirade of Itachi's, the only sound he had been able to make was a series of rather feral growls and the two occupants of the room had been slowly edging away from him.

Turning the full blast of an Itachi EvilEye™ on Kiki, Itachi opened his mouth and let the unsuspecting soul have it.

"What do you mean special? And what was with that _tone_ of voice huh? _HUH!_ Are you trying to call me a spastic! **_Are YOU!_**"

Kiki didn't even bat an eyelash. After all, what would our Mary Sue be if she couldn't even stand up to one of the most dangerous men alive when he was in his "kill-everything-that-moves" mode?

"You know, politically speaking you shouldn't use the word spastic. It doesn't even mean spastic. And it degrades the people are are spastics into barely-functioning and mentally incapable human beings, which they're not."

Itachi's left eye started on its twitching frenzy whilst the authoress is left in a state of confusion. Alright, so spastic isn't a nice word, but since when did spastic not mean spastic? That's like pointing at the sky and saying "that's not blue! 'Cause blue doesn't mean blue!".

And as the authoress ponderings the meanings of blue, Itachi was pulling no punches as he let loose quite a few weapons on Kiki, not able to stand her presence anymore.

If you want something done right, you should do it yourself. Naruto's had no luck exterminating this... this... abomination, and Itachi had had just about enough Kiki for one day, thank you very much.

Needless to say, Kiki dodged all of the kunai, senbons, throwing knives and other various pointy objects with a natural grace and speed borne from cross-country and gymnastics. (How cross-country places a role in all of this, I really don't know. But since when did a Mary-Sue make sense?)

As Itachi threw his last knife, Kiki straightened up and caught the deadly weapon between her fingers, a hair's breath away from her nose, much like the rose Naruto had graced her with a few days before.

Flicking the piece of metal to one side casually, Kiki placed her hands on her hips, much like a mother would do when berating a misbehaving child.

"Itachi, please. You don't have to do this. It's all right. Don't fight it. Look, even Kisame can see how much sense I'm making."

The said man started so badly that he whacked his head against the window frame. Turning around, he was just in time to see two pairs of equally intense eyes piercing him.

"...Kisame?"

Kisame smiled rather weakly at Itachi.

After all, getting caught with one leg out the window is not the best position to be in when in the middle of a potentially fatal war.

Quickly bringing in his leg, Kisame smoothed down his cloak before clearing his throat.

"Ah, can you... er, can you please repeat that?"

Itachi looked like he wanted to bang his head against the nearest hard surface he could find.

"I said," Kiki started, eyes twinkling merrily and sparkling with patience. "Itachi was wrong to have joined Akatsuki right? He should come back to Konoha now. After all, he really isn't evil."

Kisame just blinked dumbly.

"He isn't?" Kisame blurted out suddenly, causing Kiki to frown at him in a disapproving manner. "I mean, have you seen him when he gets into his "kill-kill-kill" mode? If that isn't evil, I don't know what is!"

Kiki just sighed, obviously used to the mentality of people with less brain power that her. It was a burden she carried everywhere she went, being smarter than everyone else. Poor her.

And then, everything was lost in a whirlwind of chakra and hand seals.

Looks like Itachi had finally lost his temper.

––––––––––

As Kiki snapped out of her jutsu, she looked up, startled as two arms encircled her and pulled her to rest on a warm chest.

"Oh, I was so afraid."

Kiki realised that it was Kakashi's chest which she was now squished against.

"When you said that you were going to try the jutsu you just invented, I was so worried that something would go wrong. Don't do that again."

Suddenly Kakashi had pulled back and was peering sincerely, if not deeply, into Kiki's eyes.

"I can't bear to lose you."

And here, Kakashi's voice cracked as the tears he'd held back for the last half an hour rolled down his cloth-covered cheeks.

Cue soppy love scene in which Kiki and Kakashi make up.

Kakashi was so whipped.

I mean, he couldn't even survive half an hour without Kiki's presence.

How pathetic.

What happened to the cool, calm and altogether stoned Kakashi?

Probably rolling over his grave, looking at how the new and not-improved Kakashi was acting.

"Oh, you've got your mask all wet," Kiki said, reaching out to touch the wet fabric. Kakashi leaned into the touch, visible eye flickering closed as Kiki stroked his cheek softly. A sigh of contentment escaped his lips.

"Why do you hide underneath your mask?" Kiki asked softly, leaning against Kakashi's chest.

The body beneath hers (oh the horrible images) tensed for a brief second, before relaxing again.

"Because I'm afraid."

Kiki looked up, eyes imploring Kakashi to tell her more.

And so the night passed, as Kakashi told Kiki all of his inner demons and dreams. In turn, Kiki told him all of hers.

The two shared many a laugh and many a tear, reminiscing about the past and hazarding guesses at the future.

But, Kiki had returned a changed woman. As she lay in the embrace of Kakashi and they whispered their fears and hopes that night, her mind couldn't help drifting back to the confrontation with Itachi.

_Damn Itachi_, Kiki swore mentally. _Why are you so stubborn. I know you're not evil. Why are you hiding it from everyone? Do you really think that no one will love you if you repent? What do I have to do to make you see that no one cares what you did before? I promise I'll help you Itachi, if it's the last thing I do. _

Such typical thoughts for Kiki, no? Of course no one would care what Itachi did. _All_ he did was murder the whole bloody Uchiha line. It wasn't like he caused World War Three or anything. Destroying the Uchiha line was, like, small-fry compared to world peace. Right?

Well, Kiki certainly thought so.

So it was when Kiki finally fell asleep in next to Kakashi that night, the two snuggled up until one couldn't tell where on body began and the other ended, it wasn't surprising when a name fell from her lips as she mumbled in her sleep.

What was surprising, however, was who the name belonged to.

"_Itachi._"

Kakashi just tightened his hold around her, not hearing the name his lover just uttered in his slumbering state.

––––––––––

Across town, the elder Uchiha sneezed violently.

"Bloody weather," he muttered before pulling the blanket tighter around him.

The events of that night played around in his head as plans formed, deformed and reformed in his mind.

When his temper had all but been shot to hell, Itachi had pulled his arsenal of jutsus. Throwing a particularly nasty one at Kiki, Itachi couldn't help but gape when it became evident that the jutsu had no effect on the girl.

"I'm not really here Itachi," Kiki said grimly. "I'm using a jutsu I just invented. It allows me to project my mind and materialise a new body away from my real one. Weapons and jutsus won't affect me if I de-materialise my body."

What a wonderful, perfect and utterly... bullshit jutsu.

It was just not possible for that to happen. The amount of chakra needed to separate the mind alone, would kill most people before they had even left the comfy perch of their brain, let alone travel across town and _materialise_ a body.

God, Kiki really was a breed all to herself wasn't she?

As Itachi stopped glaring and re-evaluated Kiki, the girl grew more and more flustered with the new attention.

Cheeks blooming into a brilliant red, Kiki licked her dry lips seductively (not that she did it on purpose, of course) and skittishly raised her eyes to meet Itachi's.

Itachi, meanwhile, just raised an eyebrow at her behaviour. Before he could experimentally blast her with another jutsu, the girl had stammered out a hasty "We'll talk more later" before disappearing in front of their eyes.

Well, at least it answered the question of how Kiki got into the lounge room without both people inside noticing.

"Kisame," Itachi said finally, turning around to regard his sheepish partner. "Just what did you think you were accomplishing, with one leg out the window?"

The other man turned a brilliant shade of red in a poor imitation of Kiki.

"Er, just stretching."

Itachi gave a rather un-Itachi like snort.

"What's -" _yawn _"- happening out here?"

Both adults turned to see Naruto stumble out of his bedroom.

"Nothing," Kisame said gruffly. The blond just eyed him weirdly.

"Who painted your face red?"

The rest of lost in a whirlwind of curses and attempted strangulations of Naruto.

Looks like Kisame had finally lost his temper.

––––––––––

"We must leave this place."

Naruto choked on his fifth cartoon of ramen.

Kisame leaned over and whac- I mean, _patted _Naruto's back, all time with a rather scary smile on his face.

Naruto's whole skeletal structure almost collapsed, if Itachi hadn't sent Kisame his EvilEye™.

Naruto had managed to make another mark next to his name in Kisame's book of _People I Hate_ the night before with his innocent question of Kisame's red face.

Kisame was actually very sensitive about his looks, as Naruto found out the hard way.

"Why?" Naruto's whine almost shattered the men's eardrums.

"Because Kiki knows we're here. She came last night."

Naruto's eyes widened as he chocked again.

"So we're leaving. Today. After breakfast."

Ah Itachi, man of many words.

"But where will we go?"

"The forest."

Naruto promptly fainted.

Kisame almost pouted at Itachi.

"You said we were going to a lake or some other large body of water!"

Itachi rolled his eyes.

"I lied Kisame. Get over it."

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_**Author's Notes:** And seems like a good place as any to finish off._

_Ohh... and the plot thickens._

_What's this? Kiki acting all girly around Itachi and muttering his name in her sleep? But what about Kakashi? _

_The drama! _

_And Naruto, kicked out of his own house to live in the forest. Oh my. _

_Tune in next time, won't you?_

_Thanks to all those that reviewed. Yes, I have read all your death threats to Kiki and agreements on letting Kyuubi loose to destroy her and I must admit, I second the motion as well. _

_But the story is much more interesting if that doesn't happen, no?_

_Thanks again to all those that reviewed. They mean the world to me. (hugs everyone)_


	8. Chapter VIII: Conversion

**_Story Details:_** _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_**Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_** _Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. **ATTENTION: **I have just lowered the rating back to where it was before. Swear words will again be incomplete. The world has returned to normal._

––––––––––

Naruto was optimistic. In fact, Naruto was probably optimistic to the point that it made optimism look like it was pessimistic.

However, even our bubbly blond hero couldn't quite see the glass as half full on this particular occasion. Not for lack of trying either.

_Well_, Naruto thought finally, surveying his surroundings. _At least it's...er... well ventilated._

Being on the highest sturdy branch in a _tree_ tends to seem like that.

Glowering at the Akatsuki member sitting on the branch beneath him, Naruto couldn't keep the growl from coming out of his mouth.

Not one strand of Itachi's hair twitched at the feral sound. He didn't need to explain to _anyone_ why he had chosen a tree (out of all places) to reside in instead of on the ground.

Kisame was huddled as close to the trunk as he could, knees drawn up to his chest and eyes clenched tightly.

He was purely a water-dwelling mammal/fish thing and did not appreciate heights, thank you very much. This settled it. If he made it out of this alive, Itachi was going to find himself roasting on the end of his sword at the first opportunity Kisame got.

"Yo, is Sharky alright?"

Needless to say, Naruto's respect for Kisame had dropped considerably since the whole Dog Food Fiasco and the idea of calling him Sharky, Akatsuki member or not, was too tempting to resist.

Itachi glanced at his partner before shrugging.

"He'll recover."

Kisame felt like shouting "I will NOT recover you self-centred tyrant! I live in WATER! Does THIS look like WATER to you? HUH? I AM IN A FRIGGIN' TREE! I DON'T DO TREES! AND MY NAME IS NOT SHARKY YOU LITTLE MORON!" and probably would have, if he didn't need to wave him arms around like a manic to emphasis certain aspects of his anger. And to wave his arms meant that he would have to uncurl himself from his position and there was no way in hell he was going to do _that_.

So instead, Kisame let the insult and the uncaring attitude of his partner pass in silence.

"What are we going to do about _her_?"

Itachi looked up at Naruto, feeling unsettled that he should have to look _up_ at anybody. Looking up was not his thing, much like trees weren't Kisame's thing.

Clambering to his feet (gracefully) and pulling himself up until he was on a branch higher than Naruto's, Itachi pondered his ideas as well.

Naruto just eyed the elder Uchiha. Did Itachi climb above him just to think? What a weirdo.

"It was established that poison does not work for her. Neither does fighting, for she seems to possess perfect skills."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "State the obvious why don't you."

"Need I remind you that you are currently very far from the ground and a fall will result in nasty injuries?" This quiet threat was accompanied by a light in Itachi's eyes that sent shivers up Naruto's spine.

Before the blond could reply though, Kisame snapped.

It looked like Sharky hadn't taken well to Itach's comment on how high they were above ground.

Mumbling incoherent words under his breath, Kisame gave a shuddering sob before scaling down the tree as fast his limbs would carry him.

The two inhabitants just stared.

Once on the ground, Kisame gave a crazy bark of laughter before lifting his cloak and running around in circles, looking like, in all aspects, a chicken with its head cut off.

"What the fu-"

"Kisame! Get up here now!"

Kisame just gave another crazed giggle before blowing a raspberry at Itachi.

"You can't make me! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

And with that, Kisame took off, his cloak billowing out behind him as he disappeared into the thick forest.

Naruto was still staring at the place where Kisame was.

Itachi sighed and rubbed his temples. Gosh, if his partner was so picky about heights, why hadn't he said anything? The idiot.

Of course, the fact that Kisame had sat, in the fetal position, paralysed with fear, for the last three hours hadn't mean a thing.

"Dude, your partner is crazy! As in seriously whacked."

"Thank you for that observation Naruto. Now shut the hell up and let me think."

Naruto wisely kept quiet, deciding that even Itachi's company (if you could call it that) was better than his team's at the moment.

––––––––––

Kisame eyed the trees around him warily. Alright, so he snapped. He would be the first to admit that. He hadn't meant to, but Itachi's comment on the whole heights thing had set him off and he couldn't help it.

Now he was lost.

In a forest.

Where every tree bloody well looked like the tree next to it and Kisame had no idea where to go. After all, this wasn't _his_ hometown and he didn't automatically know one tree from the other (not like a certain girl).

He was woken out of his reverie when voices reached him. Diving into a nearby bush, Kisame muffled his chakra and hid his presence awaiting the poor souls who would, undoubtedly, be forced to play tourist guides until Kisame found the place he wanted (or until he became hungry).

"Where is that idiot?" A girly voice rang out, frustration obvious. "I mean, Sasuke is wallowing in angst and depression and Naruto just disappears!"

Kisame's ears perked at the names. Had she just said Sasuke? And Naruto?

The next second, a pink haired girl stepped into the clearing followed by Kakashi and _her_.

Kisame felt his blood boil at the sight of Kiki.

Lastly, Sasuke trailed into the clearing, looking like his dog was just run over. Several times. In front of him.

Fingering his sword, Kisame waited for the opportune moment before he could strike and knock that pretty head of Kiki's off her body.

However, his body froze with shock as Kiki looked straight at the bush he was currently huddled in.

"Why don't you come out Kisame. I could feel you for the past ten minutes"

––––––––––

Kiki wasn't stupid. As soon as she had neared the clearing, she could feel another presence. It was just a gift, the ability to feel the presence of anybody based on their chakra.

Her skill honed in on the fact that everyone had chakra, despite how weak or strong it was. In her mind, she can feel the patches of chakra of people around her and it allowed her to never be caught unaware. After all, no one could completely hide from her and besides, why would they want to?

(Why indeed, I wonder)

Whilst Kakashi, the seasoned warrior beside, could fell nothing, Kiki had known exactly where Kisame was, the moment she stepped into the clearing.

Slowly, Kisame stood up, his hand still clutched the hilt of his sword.

Immediately, Kakashi dropped into a fighting stance in front of Kiki, determined to protect her with his life, if need be.

"No don't!" Kiki's cry startled Kakashi and he turned around to stare at his lover. Sakura and Sasuke also look at her in shock, the weapons in their hands going slack.

Of course, readers by now will be withering in pain at the complete OOC behaviour exhibited by all our characters.

Like, which combatant turns their back on their enemy? That is the first rule for God's sake. Warriors can communicate without eye contact, you know Kiki. That's what mouths and speech are for.

"Don't hurt Kisame! He doesn't know what his doing. He's actually good, aren't you Kisame?"

The said man jumped slightly as the piercing amber eyes of the Kiki stared right at him and he froze in his act of bringing his sword down on Kakashi's head. It was almost as if Kiki was staring into his soul and soothing his emotional scars.

Kakashi turned around and startled badly, seeing exactly how close he had come to being diced. For a split second, he felt unaccountable hatred for Kiki, incensed that she had caused him to forgot the first lesson he learned at the academy of never losing sight of your enemy and _something else _(but for his life, Kakashi couldn't figure out what that _something else_ was).

Then, as usual, "logic" overcame his irrational anger and gratefulness settled in the pit of his stomach as he turned adoring eyes on Kiki, thankful that Kiki had saved his life from Kisame. (Not that his life needed saving in the first place if Kiki hadn't spoken)

"I know that you're hurting inside Kisame. Your childhood was horrible with all those children teasing you about your looks. But that doesn't matter anymore. You looks doesn't matter to me."

Kisame visibly wilted and relaxed at the caring and understanding tone Kiki used. Of course, many are left wondering _how_ Kiki could understand considering she never had a blemish or abnormality to speak of.

"I know that you're kind hearted and soft on the inside. You don't need to let Akatsuki exploit you anymore. You don't need to listen to the harsh words of Itachi anymore, not that, of course, he meant it, since he's been warped by Akatsuki too. But you're special Kisame, just as you are. You don't need to prove anything. I love you for what you are. (Sisterly love people! You really can't imagine Kiki loving someone like Kisame, can you?)"

Unbidden, tears formed in Kisame's eyes as the words he'd longed to hear his whole life fell from Kiki's mouth like rain during a drought. Tears also sprang up in Kiki's eyes as she enveloped Kisame's pain and lifted it out of him and into herself. She would do all that she could to destroy the pain in Kisame. Of course, being stronger in character (since, you know, the whole horrible childhood ordeal she had to go through which was, like _ten_ times worse than Kisame's) and in will, Kiki's tears were the only sign Kisame's pain brought out of her.

Whilst Kisame had been forced into a world of bloodshed and greedy gain, Kiki managed to dispel all the pain with just a few tears.

What a way to trivialise Kisame's pain, no?

"You are special Kisame, just the way you are. Be proud in how you look, for you are the only one who looks like that in the whole world Kisame. You're unique."

"I-I... thank you." With that simple whisper, Kisame fell to his knees in gratitude, tears flowing unchecked from his eyes as he allowed himself to go in the warm and loving (_and_ sisterly!) embrace of Kiki.

Kakashi and his students watched the scene on in pride. Trust Kiki to bring Kisame back from the brink of destruction and darkness.

"Now come with us," Kiki whispered, eyes glowing tenderly as she looked at Kisame.

Kisame nodded before pulling himself up.

"Thank you Kiki, for showing me the light and truth. I-I don't know what I would've done without you."

Kiki just smiled shyly at the praise, still humble despite her unnatural skills in helping people (yeah, _right_).

As the party of five departed from the clearly, beautiful wildflowers grew in grass where Kisame's and Kiki's tears had fallen. This flowers only grew in this clearing and their vivid colouring and breath-taking beauty brought joy and a sense of love to anyone who ever laid eyes on them.

Incidentally, their uniqueness to only grow in one place made it laughably easy to destroy the species.

––––––––––

"Sharky still isn't back yet."

Itachi's eye twitched and didn't reward the observation with an answer. _And he thinks I'm the one who's prone to stating the obvious._

"Is he coming back at all?"

Itachi's eye twitched again. "Stop talking." _You're giving me a bloody headache_. Needless to say, Itachi hadn't had coffee all day and it was making him irritable.

"But aren't you worried? He wasn't really, well, sane when he ran from here." Naruto just blatantly ignored Itachi's request for silence.

Five kunais planted themselves dangerously close to Naruto's body and the blond squeak before toppling off his branch.

As soon as his senses returned, Naruto grabbed onto a passing branch and ignored the pain in his shoulder as he abruptly came to a stop. Swinging himself on the branch, the blond narrowed his eyes as he tried to squint through the darkness and the thick foliage to where Itachi was sitting.

Scrambling up the tree again, Naruto approached the dark haired ninja warily.

"But _she_ could've got to him. After all, look at what _she's_ done to Kaka-se-_mmph_"

Oh Naruto, you never learn do you?

Itachi pressed his arm harder into Naruto's neck and glowered with barely contained rage.

"I thought I told you to stop talking."

Blue eyes widened and Naruto nodded frantically.

Itachi gave him one more warning look before releasing the teenager.

_Could Kisame have been corrupted by her?_ Staring up at the stars, Itachi tried to convince himself that no, it wasn't possible.

Five minutes passed in silence before a hum of debatable ear-numbing qualities pierced the peacefulness of the night.

Itachi whirled on Naruto only to find a innocent look on his face a glint in his eyes. Naruto was never one to back down without a fight.

"You said to stop talking. Not anything else."

––––––––––

_**Author's Note:** Better late than never, right? -sees murderous looks on readers' faces and gulps- Eh... nice readers?_

_All reviews were cherished beyond recognition! Thank you for all the feedback! -hugs readers to death-_


	9. Chapter IX: Assumption

**_Story Details:_** _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

**_Author's Notes:_** _So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

**_Warnings:_** _Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

––––––––––

It was a beautiful and sunny day. The birds were singing, the wind was blowing gently and our two inhabitants of their well-ventilated tree-house were shocked into specchlessness.

Naruto stared. Itachi stared. The authoress has a feeling that is any of the surrounding inanimate objects had eyes, they would've stared too.

Deidera just stared impassively back, his face a mask of calm and serenity.

"What are you doing here?" Itachi's growl broke the staring contest all participants had started unwittingly. Deidera looked wounded at the less than warm greeting.

"Ne, Itachi-san, you're cruel. I just came to see where you and Kisame had disappeared off to. You haven't reported to HQ for ages now. Besides, you missed the annual killing spree."

Itachi growled again. "I don't have to explain anything to you... _Poppie_."

All pretentious pleasantries disappeared at this remark. Naruto looked amused, if not a little confused, at Itachi's immature insult.

"Poppie?"

Deidera's scowl grew at Naruto's question and turned his glare on to the blond. Naruto was too busy trying to muffle his chortles to be much affected by the fierce look of anger.

"I don't 'pop'! I explode. There's a difference. So stop calling me that... _Rodent Boy_."

Naruto's mouth twitched again. Itachi's eyes soon followed suit.

"It's not my fault that my parents called me Itachi."

If Naruto wasn't afraid of the elder Uchiha would do to him (he _really_ didn't want a repeat of the Kunai Incident), he would already have fallen out of the tree due to his laughter.

"So, you guys don't like each other much, do ya?"

"Shut up."

Then the two Akatsuki members promptly returned to glaring at each other with their respectively patented Glares of Terror when they realised that they other had said the exact same thing. Naruto quickly hid a grin behind his hand.

Just as Deidera opened his mouth, undoubtedly to deliver another mind-numbingly witty and mature remark, the front of his cloak squirmed (there really was no other way to describe it).

Oh, look. Naruto and Itachi returned to staring at Deidera, only this time it was in trepidation. The two shifted back on their branches, not sure if whatever was causing Deidera's cloak to move was contagious. Before Deidera could explain why his cloak seemed to be a life form all to itself, the piece of clothing parted and a head popped out.

Naruto's eyes bulged and Itachi continued to stare, unable to speak for the second time that morning (if only Kisame had been there. He would have had a field day).

"A...Akamaru!"

The small dog barked, happy to see the blond again. Silence followed it's excited exclamation of doggy delight. Naruto looked on the verge of hyperventilation at the the thought that one of his allies was buddy-buddy with an enemy of Konoha (he blatantly ignored himself). Itachi was already smirking at the variety of taunts he could shower on Deidera. 'Poppie' looked ready to kill Itachi (not that he never wasn't ready to kill Itachi, mind you), seemingly knowing what the other was thinking.

"You're sick!"

Deidera jumped as he suddenly found Naruto next to him and glaring for all his worth. Reaching over, Naruto yanked Akamaru out of Deidera's cloak.

"You sick, perverted, no-good, evil, taking-advantage-of-animals SCUM!"

The true meaning of Naruto's words caused Deidera to recoil in horror and Itachi to grab on to the tree for support as he fought to repress the sniggers. Naruto glared harder before patting Akamaru kindly.

"It's okay Akamaru. I'll make sure that the bad man won't hurt you anymore."

The 'bad man' looked like he was about to go on a war-path, with Naruto as the first victim. Itachi's grip on the tree tightened.

"I didn't - "

"That's what they all say! How could you? And to an innocent puppy like Akamaru!"

With that, Naruto pushed Akamaru's face into Deidera's, forcing the man to take a step back least he really did end up taking advantage of Akamaru by unwittingly kissing the canine. Sadly, Naruto saw this as an admission of guilt. A look of triumph crossed his face.

"See? You don't even have the guts to face up to your sickness, you pervert." This was accompanied by much petting of Akamaru as Naruto took it on himself to see his four-legged friend through this traumatic experience. "It's okay Aka. I'm here now. Nothing's going to ever hurt you again."

The next second Naruto found himself being slammed into the tree trunk by his neck. Eyes widening and mouth dropping open in shock (as well as trying to breathe) Naruto stared at Deidera as the older man glared at him for all his worth. Akamaru was dropped to the ground and the dog whined, not happy about being manhandled so roughly. Deidera's rather amusing display of anger and intimating air was immediately ruined by Itachi (who else?).

"Are you blushing Poppie?" Itachi drawled as he pried Diedera's fingers from around Naruto's neck. The blond was already starting to turn blue and his eyes were rolling up. Although Itachi didn't have much experience with unconscious people (the people he killed tended to stay dead), he was pretty sure that migrating towards the blue end of the spectrum and rolling eyes were not Good Things for people's health.

Of course, the minute flush on Deidera's cheek bloomed after that question. Itachi smirked, both in amusement and in relief as he finally unwrapped Deidera's pinky from Naruto's neck (who would've guessed that Deidera had such a strong pinky?). Deidera made another grab for Naruto but found himself physically blocked by Itachi.

"Ne, don't tell me that you go for little boys as well. First dogs, now children. What next? Goats? Orochimaru?"

Itachi decided that the look of complete and absolute horror on Deidera's face was well worth his uncharacteristic twenty word dialogue. Deidera turned pale and looked as if he was about to hurl. Itachi's smirk widened.

"That tongue of his must be interesting in bed, no?"

Deidera paled even more and Itachi's smirk continued to grow. Really, the sky's the limit when it came to Itachi's evil facial emotions.

Hand pressed to his mouth, Deidera fought the urge to throw up. He did not need those mental images, thank you very much (on second thoughts, nobody needed those images Itachi). Just thinking about Orochimaru's tongue made Deidera shiver, and not in the good way. In the end, Deidera valiantly tried to fight down the bile. Honestly, he did, but the thought of Orochimaru and certain anatomical parts of his body was enough to bring even the strongest of them down.

So Deidera gave in and hurled. _Well, at least one good thing came out it_, Deidera thought.

Itachi was no longer smirking as he suddenly found himself covered in the physical manifestation of Deidera's disgust.

When Naruto regained consciousness ten minutes later, the first thing he saw was a pissed off looking Itachi madly scrubbing at a suspicious looking dark patch on his once spotless cloak with a leaf (a pile of used leaves was already accumulating beside the Uchiha). Naruto blinked at the scene. And blinked again. Staring dumbly, the blond wrinkled his nose as he pushed himself to his feet.

"Yo dude, is that what I think is on your cloak?" Itachi's hand twitched (almost as if he was reaching for a kunai. I wonder why), but gave no other answer. Naruto threw a contemplative look towards the elder Uchiha. The hand twitched closer to the kunai pouch.

"It's okay if you still wet pants. But, you're like what? Nearly twenty? Have you thought about seeing a doctor?"

Itachi's head jerked up in shock, his cleansing of his cloak all but forgotten at Naruto's blatant accusation.

"_What?_" Ooh... There's that famous Uchiha Hiss of Anger.

Naruto remained unfazed.

"I'm pretty sure that your, uh, problem isn't that rare. I betcha that doctors get patients like you all the time. There's a few docto-"

A twitch was all the warning that Naruto got.

Deidera's grin of utter, utter glee widened as he watched Itachi launch himself at the blond. Wet his pants, huh? Patting Akamaru absently, Deidera continued to plot his future plans for Rodent Boy. Gingerly prodding his recently acquired black eye, Deidera eyed Itachi evilly. _Just you wait Rodent Boy, just you wait. _

––––––––––

"I _told_ you."

"..."

"But _who_ wouldn't listen to me? Huh? And now we have no place to stay! I _told_ you!"

"..." This was accompanied by much twitching. Naruto took no notice.

"See? Kisame has gone off to the _other_ side, just like Kaka-sensei! Gah! Why didn't you listen to me?"

"Is he always like this?"

Itachi spared Deidera an irritated look that answered the question. Naruto just continued lamenting about the injustices of life in the background, seemingly not caring that he didn't have a captivated audience anymore.

Deidera looked wistfully at his at his weapons. If he could just stick a little explosive on-

"Don't even think about it."

Deidera jumped and glared at Itachi, who was in turn glaring at him.

"I wasn't going to hurt him too badly."

"Don't."

Deidera sighed. Life wasn't fair sometimes.

"So, where are we gonna stay now? And why is _he_ still here?"

Deidera bristled at Naruto's tone and was just about to tell the blond where, exactly, he could stick his loud-mouth, dumb opinions when the third Akatsuki member in the immediate area popped in.

Literally.

Naruto gave a rather girly scream before scrambling backwards and diving behind Itachi, all the while muttering what sounded like prays under his breath.

Itachi froze as the image of his (soon-to-be-ex)partner burned itself into his brain. Fighting the urge to cover his eyes (so not cool), Itachi swallowed thickly before averting his eyes. God, he was going to have nightmares for the rest of his life.

Deidera turned around, wondering what the fuss was. Catching sight of Kisame, his face contorted rather sharply and his eyes widened. "Oh God..." Then he fainted.

If it had been any other time, Itachi would've sniggered (he never laughed! Laughing was for people with fuzzy wuzzies and Itachi so did _not_ have fuzzy wuzzies).

"Heya Itachi-kun!"

"...kun?" Kisame never called anyone "-kun" and Itachi did not appreciate being the first one. Naruto gave a little whimper and squeezed his eyes shut, trembling behind Itachi. Maybe if he couldn't see Kisame, then Kisame couldn't see him?

"Why'd you run away? Kiki was kinda hurt that y'all ran away as soon as you sensed our presence. You didn't even give me time to show you my new look." Here, Kisame struck a pose not dissimilar to the ones Gai usually sported. Itachi's eyes widened fractionally and a pain-filled hiss escaped his lips. Naruto didn't even want to know. Opening his eyes to a slit, Naruto glared at the body of Deidera. Lucky bastard.

"How do I look Itachi?"

If the choking noises Itachi were making was any indication, Kisame did not want to know what Itachi was thinking.

"Really? I think it suits me too!"

Itachi considered his options.

A split second later he was uncharacteristically fleeing from the scene. Reputation be damned. Hippy!Kisame in fish net was just too much for the elder Uchiha's mentality. It was two hours when he finally stopped. That's when he realised that he'd forgotten Naruto (Deidera could go to hell for all he cared).

A little bark from the folds of his cloak signalled that he was not as alone as he thought. There was some ruffling before Akamaru stuck his head out and gazed up at Itachi. Itachi swore. Could the night get any worse?

And that's when it started to rain.

––––––––––

Naruto jerked up as Itachi disappeared, no doubt running for his life from the new Kisame.

"Wait! Bastard! Don't leave me here!"

Sadly, Itachi was already long gone and didn't hear Naruto's desperate plea. Kisame look rather put out by another of Itachi's hasty exits.

"Why does he always do that?"

Naruto stared at the man. Were those tears in Kisame's eyes?

Kisame sniffed softly. "Waaaaaaaaaaah! He's so insensitive! All I wanted to do was show him by new look!"

Naruto backed away from the hysterical screaming. That's when he noticed that they were not alone in the clearing anymore. Kiki and Kakashi had just stepped through the foliage, hand-in-hand and whispering about something. Sakura jumped down from a branch and went over to inspect Deidera.

Eyes darting around nervously, Naruto sighed inaudibly when he didn't see Sasuke anywhere. Edging sneakily away, Naruto froze when Kiki's gaze focused itself on him. The blond paled considerably. "I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die..."

"I'll protect you Naru. No one will hurt you when I'm around!"

For the first time Naruto seriously considered suicide. Clamping his eyes shut again, Naruto refused to turn around and face the voice of _him_. "This is not happening. This is so not happening. Sasuke is not behind me. I did not just hear him behind me. He is not her - PUT ME DOWN YOU BASTARD!"

Sasuke looked unaffected as he effortlessly gathered Naruto in his arms, bride style. Naruto squirmed in his arms, tying for his life to get loose. "GET YOUR ARMS OFF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME YOU FUC-"

And promptly got silenced as Sasuke leaned down and kissed him. Naruto froze, before giving into the temptation. Sasuke pulled away with a soft smile on his face (my eyes! My eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyes!). "Heh, how cute."

Naruto had fainted.

Kisame watched the "loving" scene with a dreamy look on his face and squealed. "You two are so cute together!"

Sasuke shrugged, but couldn't quite wipe the silly look off his face. Kiki and Kakashi exchanged knowing looks.

Deidera chose that moment to wake up (poor bugger). He took one look around him with disbelieving eyes. Scanning the occupants of the clearing warily (was Naruto being carried by an Itachi-look-a-like?), Deidera knew that he was not going to emerge from this unscathed. "Could this day get any worse?"

And that's when it started to rain.

Deidera's shoulders slumped in despair. "Why do I even try?" He fainted again.

––––––––––

Half a forest away, Itachi hunched under a temporary leaf/tent thing he constructed in a half a minute. Akamaru hunched next to him (Itachi had almost decapitated him when he tried to crawl into the other's lap) and gave a little whine.

For the first time since he killed his family, Itachi felt the urge to destroy something in a fit of rage.

For you see dear readers, Itachi was allergic to dogs. Badly.

As sneezes overtook him, Itachi wished he had never answered Naruto's stupid letter.

And, just for the record, he was a cat person.

––––––––––

**Author's Note**: First and foremost: SORRY! Real life got in the way of everything, including writing, again.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter because it was so much fun to write! Ooo... Naruto in the hands of Kiki and Sasuke (dun dun dun...). What will happen? And we all know that Deidera is not going to escape this without some form of mental scarring. Poor bugger.

All reviews were much hugged and squeezed to their very last drop of fantastical review-ness. Thanks so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it!

I know this was a long wait for this chapter. Keep your fingers crossed that it'll be much a shorter wait for the next one!


	10. Chapter X: Separation

**_Story Details:_** _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_**Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

_**Warnings:** Nothing much really. Just beware of the perfect-ness of Mary Sue. _

––––––––––

Itachi decided, as he watched the rain continue to pour, that he was going to kill someone. This someone was a certain self-professed Uchiha whose name started with K and ended with –iki. The killing was going to be slow, unimaginably painful and done over a glass (or bottle) of red wine Itachi had _liberated_ (stole) from Deidera a couple of months back. Originally, Itachi had been saving the wine for a special occasion (such as the "accidental" death of the said previous owner of the wine), but ridding himself (who gives a toss about Konoha?) of Kiki was enough reason to break loose the alcohol in Itachi's opinion.

When that pretty head hit the ground, Itachi was going to get drunk, baby! (In an elegant and sophisticated manner, of course!)

Itachi was so intent on his musings about decapitated heads and bootlegged alcohol that it took him a minute to realize that the object of said musings was standing right in front of him. Beside him, Akamaru began to growl, his teeth bared for all the world to see. Akamaru might've been small in size, but his growl more than made up for it on the Scare-O-Meter. Kiki just waved her hand at the dog and a moment later, he disappeared without a sound.

Before Itachi could comprehend what had happened, Kiki had moved.

Right into his arms.

––––––––––

Naruto decided, as he watched (in growing horror) Sasuke prance around the room, that he would rather be dead. After all, seeing Konoha's resident Ice Prince #1 (Neji was #2, much to his chargin) shimmer around the room was something Naruto could've quite happily lived without experiencing, thank you very much! If it wasn't for the carton of take-out Ichiraku (Special-Deluxe-Mega-Beef-Chicken-Pork-Bowl, otherwise known as Meal #16) ramen Sasuke was currently waving side-to-side in front of Naruto's face, the blond would've bolted (or, at least attempted to bolt).

Following the carton hungrily with his eyes, Naruto's stomach growled loudly and both occupants of the room was enlightened to the fact that Naruto hadn't eaten since the night before.

"Do you want _it_ Naru-chan?"

Naruto's eyes bulged at Sasuke's husky voice. Even Naruto could see the innuendo behind that question from a mile away.

"Oh hell NO! Let me go you bastard! LET ME GO!"

Sasuke didn't look at all phased that Naruto was screaming at him at the top of his lungs. Instead, our ex-Avenger just picked up a pair of chopsticks and enticingly stirred the ramen with it.

"Are you sure? I heard that it's quite _good_."

Naruto shuddered at Sasuke's blatant advances.

"SICK! SICK! SICK! YOU'RE _SICK_!"

With that wonderful description on Sasuke, Naruto attempted to run for the door.

And he would've made it too, if he wasn't at that moment tied up and hanging from the ceiling.

Sasuke just looked amused at Naruto's frantic struggles. "Ne, Naruto. I'm almost beginning to think that you don't want to be here."

Naruto was too busy trying to not to lose his mind to answer Sasuke. Working the ropes that held his wrists together, Naruto was silently praying for rescue (hell, he'd welcome Orochimaru with open arms, tongue or no tongue) when something warm and suspiciously hand-like brushed him lightly. Or, more specifically, brushed his _ass_ lightly.

Naruto twitched.

That same warm and suspiciously hand-like thing was now crawling up his back, surprisingly gentle in their ministrations, but doubly creepy because of it.

Naruto twitched again.

Fear had never filled our young hero as it did now and out of sheer desperation, Naruto tore the rope from its fixings on the ceiling. As plaster, bits of timber and paint fell to the ground around the stunned Sasuke and the now free (yes! Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!) Naruto, silence descended. Scrambling to his feet as fast as he can, Naruto made a beeline for the door, not caring that his bonds were still attached to the wooden rafter he had being from a moment ago.

Without a single look back, Naruto tore through the door and away from one Sasuke Uchiha.

The said Uchiha just smirked, his eyes lighting up disturbingly.

"If that's how you want to play it Naru-chan, then we'll play it your way. After all, you can't hide from me forever."

Maybe not, but Naruto could Goddamn try.

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Deidera decided, as he surveyed his cell, that things could be much worse. Whilst the cell was not going to win any endorsements from its prisoners, at least it wasn't damp or dark or had a funny smell. Deidera had had too many encounters will funny smelling cells and he was rather thankful that the one was currently residing was not one.

He was woken out of his thoughts on smelly cells when the door opened and an impossibly beautiful woman stepped into the cell. Deidera's sudden gathering of chakra faltered as he laid eyes upon her.

"Deidera?" As the angelic voice filled the room, Deidera found that he could not make his mouth work. Instead, he nodded.

The woman just blinked before a small smile graced her features, making her even more beautiful in Deidera's eyes.

"Kiki has told me that you've repented for your actions in Akatsuki and would now like to join Konoha's forces. Is that true?"

Deidera opened his mouth but only a squeak escaped his lips. The kunoichi gave a little giggle and Deidera blushed. Nodding again, the blond man found that he couldn't tear his eyes away from her. _Baby, I'd do anything you want to me to._

The woman beamed and Deidera felt his face heat up even more. "Good."

The kunoichi walked up to Deidera and laced her arm through his.

"Welcome to Konoha Deidera. My name's Sakura."

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Itachi was so shocked at Kiki's sudden affection that all he had time was a muffled exclamation of surprise before he found himself with an armful of Kiki-ness. Staring at her, Itachi's brain kicked into gear and Itachi drove his kunai through her chest, somehow feeling cheated at how easy it was to finally kill Kiki.

Kiki gave a small gasp of pain and her tear-filled eyes bore into Itachi's cold ones as she clutched at her bleeding wound. "How could you Itachi?"

Before Itachi could retort with something along the lines "How could I not?" a pale silver light emerged from Kiki's hand. When the light disappeared (and Itachi had blinked out the spots it caused), not a speck of blood remained on Kiki's traditional kimono (they were, like, so, like, cool, like, yeah?). And that's when Itachi realised that Kiki was still perched in his lap like some kind of lover.

Fighting the urge to retch until his stomach was empty, Itachi roughly pushed Kiki off himself and jumped to his feet. Kiki followed his movements, not seeming to mind that he was invading Itachi's PersonalBubble. Well, _Itachi_ minded and he quickly took a step back, least some of Kiki's _traits_ proved to be contagious.

Kiki stepped forward, efficiently placing herself in his PersonalBubble again. Itachi growled and raised his arms to stab at the invincible (or so it seemed) female again. Before his blade was anywhere near Kiki's evil, evil heart, Itachi found himself with an armful of Kiki-ness again.

"Oh, this is just ridiculous!" Itachi looked disgusted as he tried to dislodge the clingy woman from his chest.

"I love you Itachi!"

Itachi froze. Kiki looked on the verge of tears. "I've always loved you! I-I can't stop thinking about you, even when I'm with Kakashi! I know it's wrong of me to treat Kakashi this way, but I-I just, just love you so much!"

Itachi stopped breathing. He could see his life flashing in front of his eyes. Oh dear gawd. What did Kiki just _say_!

"Won't you tell me that you love me too?"

Itachi was officially stunned into stupidity. How was one supposed to respond to a bombshell like _that_?

Kiki didn't stop the crystalline tears from rolling down her cheeks. Under her breath she kept on muttering about how much she loved Itachi.

When five minutes of silence passed and Itachi did not seem to want to leave his Lala land to face Kiki (who would?), Kiki squared her shoulders and took the initiative, proving once again, that she was a strong, independent young woman who was not afraid of anything.

Looking bolding into Itachi's unfocused eyes, Kiki grabbed his neck and pulled his face towards her. Itachi jerked out of his haze at the contact, but it was too late.

Itachi's world collapsed around him as Kiki's lips touched his.

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"Yo, Sakura-chan. Have you seen Kiki?"

Sakura raised her head from the intimate conversation she had been having with Deidera to look at Kakashi. Shaking her head, Sakura looked apologetic. "No, sorry."

Kakashi ran his hand through his hair and sighed loudly. "Maa, maa. It doesn't matter. She's probably out shopping or something."

Running his eyes over the couple, Kakashi's visible eye curved up.

"Sakura and Deidera, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-"

"I think that's enough Sensei!" Sakura interrupted, her face tinged pink. Deidera just smirked his own SexySmirk before draping an arm around Sakura, causing the girl to go pinker.

"So I take it that Kiki was right in getting you two together?"

Sakura and Deidera nodded. Leaning into Deidera's shoulder, Sakura smiled dreamily. "Yeah, she was totally right when she said that Deidera wasn't really evil. It was just that nobody, apart from Akatsuki, appreciated his artistic whims and abilities." Turning to her recently gained boyfriend, she poked him gently in the ribs, causing the man to laugh and tickle her.

"Yeah, I really got to thank Kiki for setting me up with Sakura. No one understands me like my little Cherry Blossom does." Deidera looked just as dreamy and happy as Sakura. (Oh just kill me now)

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed. "Kiki sure has a talent for matchmaking."

She _sure_ does.

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Akamaru was confused. One moment he was in the forest, about to jump Kiki and tear her to pieces and the next moment he was in the desert. Whining pitifully and looking around him, the puppy couldn't see any form of life.

Sitting on his hunches, Akamaru whined again and sniffed the air, trying to find a trail he could follow. No such luck. Our canine companion was officially lost in the desert without a notion of which way he should go.

Climbing determinedly to his feet, Akamaru was not going to let some fake-smelling pansy _human_ female get the better of him. No way! Choosing a direction, Akamaru proceeded to walk, head held up high and tail proudly flicking from side to side. He'd show that female! Once he got his teeth into her, she was going to wish that she'd never been born!

Two hours later, Akamaru was tired, thirsty and hungry. No matter which direction he faced, all he could see was sand, sand and more sand. Growling angrily, Akamaru raised a leg, about to physically demonstrate his opinion on the endless mounds of sand surrounding him.

Before he could fully express his anger, Akamaru gave a surprised yelp as he found himself lifted by the scruff of his neck. The next second, a face loomed up in front of his and a familiar scent made itself known to the puppy.

Gaara just regarded the familiar animal disinterestedly. All he wanted to know was what a mutt from Konoha was doing so far out of Konoha. From the way the mutt and its owner (Gaara was too cool to remember names) had acted, the redhead had thought that they would've been inseparable.

Shrugging his shoulders, Gaara just dropped the dog back on the sand. He really couldn't care whether it died or lived. After all, he, like Itachi, was also devoid of all Fuzzy Wizzies. And people devoid of Fuzzy Wuzzies do not bring home stray puppies.

Turning around, Gaara began the trak home. Akamaru just followed at a discrete distance.

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It took a full minute before Itachi came to his senses. When he did, he almost wished that he hadn't. Seemingly not noticing the other's lack of response, Kiki had taken the liberty upon herself to make the kiss as memorable as possible. And Itachi awoke to a world of being frenched by Kiki.

That's right readers! You read correctly. There was tongue. And lots of it.

Roughly shoving Kiki away from him, Itachi wiped his mouth in disgust. "That's...that's disgusting. You're disgusting. The kiss was disgusting." Itachi's repertoire of words is impressive, no?

Kiki looked on the verge of tears again.

Itachi shakily rolled his eyes. Not the whole tears thing. Didn't Kiki know any other tricks?

"But I love you!" Kiki cried desperately, as if that one little twisted fact would make it all better.

Itachi looked ill.

Fumbling for his scroll of Super Nasty Jutsu I-XII (Itachi was inwardly horrified at having _fumbled_! Uchihas _never_ fumbled!), Itachi triumphantly pulled it out and started to unroll it, intent on smiting Kiki once and for all. He didn't even have time to make the first hand seal before the scroll was ripped from his hands.

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to the Sharigan.

Glaring at Kiki, the Sharigan started to spin, the murderous intent of the owner obvious. However, Kiki seemed unaffected as she continued to give Itachi the Look. The tears disappeared. The trembling bottom lip stopped trembling. Her amber eyes shone with determination.

"Just admit it Itachi. You love me too!"

Itachi looked startled. "Wha-?"

Kiki barrelled on.

"I know that you're afraid of commitment and your own emotions, but you have no reason to be."

"_Excuse_ m-?"

"I love you Itachi, for who you are. And I always will. Let go of your fear."

"I don't lo-!"

Itachi once again found his protests muffled as Kiki crushed her lips to his. Struggling against her abnormally strong grip, Itachi was functioning on pure survival instinct as he tried to get as far away as possible from Kiki. Killing her was no longer his top priority. Getting _away_ was.

Not unlike Naruto in his desperation, Itachi frantically pulled away from Kiki, and cast his eyes around the clearing, trying to find an observable escape route. His eyes, however, stopped as they landed on the face of the newly arrived third member of their party.

Naruto stared back, hands still tied and the piece of rafter trailing after him like a lost puppy.

"Dude," the blond said weakly, not sure if eyes were deceiving him. "That's incest!"

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**Author's Note:** Oh my _GOSH_! I am so sorry for the slow update! Real Life is always getting in the way of things.

grovels for forgiveness

On another note, I hope you liked this chapter. Things are really starting to move, no? Deidera and Sakura? Who would've thunk?

And Kiki and Itachi? Ooh...

Can't you just feel the luuuuuuuuuuuuurve? At least between Deidera and Sakura? Kiki is just not getting the point. And poor Kakashi!

Oh the drama! What _will_ happen next?

The love I feel for any/or reviews has surpassed any other love I have for anything else. I love you dear reviewers!


	11. Chapter XI: Retaliation

**_Story Details:_** _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_**Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

_**Warnings:** THERE'S ONE NAUGHTY WORD AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER. I THINK IT'S FITTING, THOUGH, SO I DIDN'T TAKE IT OUT. _

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_Recap:_

"_Dude," the blond said weakly, not sure if eyes were deceiving him. "That's incest!" _

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Itachi could not reply to that. How could he, after all? Being caught getting frenched by one's supposed cousin was definitely Not Cool, evil mass murderer or not. Opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water, Itachi could only shrug helplessly as he tried to think of a reasonable excuse of why, exactly, Kiki's lips had been glued to his. Somehow dancing around in pain and pointing a finger accusingly at Kiki, shouting "It's all her fault!" didn't seem as convincing as it did when he was five. Even if it was completely and utterly true.

Naruto just continued to stare at him in growing hysteria. The poor boy really couldn't take anymore of this. First Sasuke's groping and now Itachi's fling with his own cousin. _Cousin_! The thought was just too sickening to comprehend. Any more of these surprises and Naruto felt sure that he was going to snap and nothing short of the complete destruction of Kiki was going to bring him back.

Kiki, on the other hand, did not take to Naruto's comment too kindly. Being accused of incest was a horrifying blow to Kiki's moral standards (the fact that she had just cheated on Kakashi, several times, didn't seem to bother her. The hypocrite) and an accusation she was going to fight with her whole being.

"It's not incest!" Kiki exclaimed passionately, facing Naruto with a look she usually only used on people who mocked her heartbreakingly sad past. "Itachi and I aren't related!"

As neither of the two males looked like they were in a mental state fit enough to process this latest shocking development in the plotline, let alone reply, Kiki had to settle for the authoress being the only one remotely surprised by this revelation.

Oh what? Not an Uchiha? _Really_ now? That's _such_ a surprise.

For some reason, Kiki didn't appreciate the sarcasm.

Turning back to face Itachi to declare her undying love for her not-cousin, Kiki blinked with surprise when neither Itachi or Naruto were in sight. They had used Kiki's minute lapse in concentration (when she glared at the authoress) to escape and hopefully pull themselves together.

Eyes lighting up (not dissimilar to Sasuke's own fireworks) in delight, Kiki couldn't help but smile playfully. "Oh Itachi," she whispered to the night. "You don't have to hide your feelings from me."

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"So, why exactly were you dragging a piece of timber along behind you?"

Naruto scowled at Itachi's casual query which did nothing to mask his amusement. The said piece of timber he had just freed himself from himself was laying at the edge of clearing, looking as if it was mocking Naruto with it timberness.

"Your brother is a sick pervert! He tied to up to his ceiling and- and..."

Itachi raised an eyebrow at Naruto's stuttering and rapidly reddening face.

"And what? Stripped for you? Fed you strawberries? Shoved you up against a wall and fu-?"

"NO! He just groped me!"

Looking horribly green at the last suggestion, Naruto curled even more in on himself as he tried to banish the disturbing images Itachi had conjured up in his mind.

Itachi's smirk just widened marginally. Misery loves company after all, and Itachi found no better way of trying to forget about the last twenty minutes of Kiki-ness than torturing someone else. Hence Naruto's fragile mental state. The blond was really, _really_ close to snapping after that bout with Itachi's nastiness.

"That's just _so_ wrong..." Naruto moaned to himself. Itachi looked immensely pleased with himself at once again shattering Naruto's psyche beyond repair.

"This is getting out of hand," Itachi ploughed on stoically. "It's time to retaliate."

Naruto lifted his head and regarded Itachi tiredly from behind his bangs. "How? You already said that you drove a kunai into her heart and that still didn't kill her."

Not seemingly concerned at the debubbling of Naruto's personality, Itachi's eyes glinted evilly and Naruto shuffled back slightly. Just because his spirit was all but flushed down the toilet thanks to Itachi, it didn't mean that he was suicidal. Sitting within a ten metre radius of Itachi when the Uchiha had that look in his eyes was the same as dousing himself in oil before rushing into a burning building.

Itachi didn't look quite as amused as he was five seconds ago when he noticed Naruto try and shuffle up a tree.

Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Itachi crossed his arms and glared menacingly at the blond until Naruto finally got the message and stopped trying to scale the tree using his butt alone.

"So, er, what's your plan?"

Itachi's smirk returned in full force.

"Hatake."

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Across the forest and halfway into Konoha, Kakashi sneezed before looking slightly annoyed. Damnit! He hated sneezing in his mask. The last time he had had a cold and sneezed, he had the unpleasant experience of his mask getting doused in snot. Needless to say, the laundry that week was a nightmare. Wrinkling his nose in disgust, Kakashi glanced discreetly around him before pulling his mask down and blowing his nose.

If Gai was talking about him again, Kakashi was going to ram his Chidori in a place where the sun don't shine. The gray haired jounin was already ticked off enough that he hadn't seen Kiki since that morning. He didn't need his turtle enthusiastic friend adding to the mayhem. Glancing at the darkening sky, Kakashi paid his sake bill before heading home, hoping that Kiki was waiting for him.

His life just didn't seem worth living without her.

What he wasn't prepared for, however, was the sight of Naruto ransacking his kitchen as Itachi just calmly watched with a cup of coffee in his hands.

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Gaara could not believe that he was doing this. He really couldn't. Even his unfeeling mind was balking at the thought of accompanying a puppy all the way from the Sand to the Leaf. Flicking his smouldering glare to the bundle of fur beside him, Gaara couldn't quite keep the scowl off his face as he thought back to Temari.

Akamaru wisely took another step away from the boy. It was the tenth time he had sidestepped away from Gaara in the last twenty minutes. Anymore sidestepping and the puppy was sure that he wouldn't be able to see his companion.

Gaara just transferred his glare to the sand in front of him. Temari, being the girl that she was, had absolutely squealed when she caught sight of Akamaru, who had been skulking behind Gaara, much to the amusement of the Sand citizens. Our favourite redhead, however, did not connect the unusually bold glances of people with the puppy behind him (mainly because he wasn't aware that he had a canine stalker). He just thought that maybe the village had breathed in more sand than was strictly healthy and was now suffering the effects of it.

But when Temari's squeal almost shattered his eardrums and she had brushed past him without a second glance to check for blood splatters that accompanied all his missions, Gaara knew that something was hinky. When Kankuro had snorted his milkshake through his nose (followed by what Gaara could only presume as a dance of discomfort) a second later, Gaara knew some was _definitely_ hinky. What Gaara wasn't used to was the fact that he wasn't the cause of the hinkiness.

"Oh you're just so cute! Aren't you now? Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Whirling around, Gaara could only stare as Temari continued to baby talk the white puppy he had abandoned to die a mere hour before. What the hell was the mutt doing here? Had it followed Gaara all this way? Suddenly, the redhead realised why the villagers had been acting like they had snorted sand for fun.

"I didn't know you like dogs."

Gaara glared at Kankuro. His brother was too busy trying to blow the last bits of milkshake froth from his nose to see the result of his remark.

"I don't. I left it in the desert. It fo-"

"You **_abandoned_** it? IN THE _DESERT_?"

Temari's horrified yell caused both of the males to wince slightly and a share of complete understanding. Ah, the wonders of fraternal bonding. Too bad the moment was broken as Temari shot the deadliest glare she dared at her youngest sibling. Gaara, the poor sod, had no idea what was so bad with leaving a defenceless puppy by itself in the harsh conditions of a desert that it warranted Temari to yell at him. Even Kankuro was looking at him with something akin to disapproval (after the initial shock of the fraternal bonding wore off).

"That's cold man, even for you."

Our young demon carrier looked even more baffled (to be truthful, it was nothing more than a microscope furrowing of his brow) at the uncharacteristic brave offering of opinion from his brother. And exactly how, Gaara would like to know, did a _puppy_ (of all things) cause a situation like this?

Needless to say, the situation only worsened from that point on. When Temari had found out that yes Gaara knew exactly who the puppy belonged, but no, didn't give a toss to make sure that the puppy got home safely, she had blown her top. For the first time in his life, Gaara was on the receiving end of a scolding. Wide eyed and mouth slightly open, Gaara could only stare as Temari ranted on and on (and on and on and on) about his heartless behaviour. She then proceeded to explain, in great detail, the exact difference between the killing of innocent humans and the abandonment of cute, fluffy things and why the abandoning thing was _obviously_ a whole lot worse than the killing thing.

So, here Gaara was, two hours after that fateful "chat", escorting Akamaru home to Konoha. Again disbelief filled Gaara as he really, _really_ couldn't believe that his sister had kicked him out of the house to play bodyguard to a _dog_. Where was the logic in that? Temari didn't even give him time to rest after his week long mission.

As Akamaru felt the killing intent wash over him, the puppy belatedly realised that maybe following Gaara home hadn't been the best idea.

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"You're lying."

Itachi hissed in frustration through his teeth, eyes twitching at the other man's stubbornness.

"Kiki would never cheat on me."

Naruto looked torn between bashing his head against the table and bashing Kakashi's head against the table.

"Look. I was there. I saw her kiss the bastard over here. And it wasn't an innocent kiss."

Kakashi's visible eye darked in anger.

"How dare you come in here and slander Kiki's good name! Naruto, why are you hanging out with an enemy of Konoha? Have you forgotten what he did to Sasuke?"

Naruto bit back something less than pleasant as he tried to reason with his sensei.

"Hatake, why would I lie to you? You're not worthy enough for me to manipulate you like this."

Yeah Itachi, just make Kakashi _more_ angry because that'll get him to listen to you without feeling the urge to beat you senseless.

"I can prove it to you."

Kakashi paused at this, though his glare didn't diminish in the least as his gaze bore into Itachi's nonchalant one.

"Just make yourself invisible and you'll see."

Even Naruto looked a little confused at this. Itachi rolled his eyes at their incomprehension of his genius before telling (ordering) Kakashi to hide himself. Looking like he would rather endure 24 hours locked in a cupboard with no one but Gai for company, Kakashi made the required hand seals before henging himself into a cup on the table. He would normally never have considered the notion that Kiki would cheat on anyone (let alone him), but she had been acting distant ever since that night where she had tried out the jutsu she had just invented. Besides, Kakashi comforted himself, he was only doing this to prove Itachi wrong. Kiki was not cheating on him. With Itachi no less! They were cousins for Pete's sake!

Itachi just sat back and tried not to look pained at the thought of the lengths he was going to go to prove Kiki's change of heart to Kakashi. He would never have considered this action if he wasn't a little desperate at the moment. Kiki seemed indestructible and Itachi was running out of allies. After all, having only Naruto and Akamaru on his side wasn't the most comforting thought.

"What are you actually going to do?" The blond looked like he was both curious and afraid of whatever the elder Uchiha was cooking up.

Itachi grimaced and drained the last of his coffee. "Hopefully scarring you for life."

Naruto frowned. "What was that?"

Itachi smirked. "I said, you'll see."

Ten minutes later, Kiki walked into the apartment. As if feeling Itachi's gaze on her, she froze before slowly turning around. Seeing Itachi sitting on a kitchen chair, Kiki gasped. Her eyes glistened with emotions, all of them making Itachi want to punch her in the face.

"What are you doing here Itachi?"

Itachi grimaced slightly as he prepared himself mentally for the challenge ahead. Naruto wasn't going to be the only to be mentally scarred tonight.

"I came to see you." Itachi sounded like he would rather eat his own crap than force the words from his mouth. "I've been thinking about what you said in the clearing. You're right. I am afraid of loving you."

Naruto was staring at him as if he had grown a second head. Itachi wanted to throw the blond off the building. It was hard enough to do this without being stared at like some freak of nature, thank you very much!

The cup on the table gave a suspicious rattle, but Kiki didn't notice.

"Really?" She stepped into the kitchen hopefully, her face lit up like an angel.

Itachi gave the coffee cup in his hand a mean glare. "Yes."

Kiki didn't seem to care that Itachi's answer was obviously forced. She didn't even seem to care that the cup on the table was giving off rather freaky vibes. All she cared about, and could see, was the black haired sex god sitting in front her (her words, not mine!).

"Oh Itachi! I knew you could see the truth!" With that, Kiki once again launched herself into Itachi's arms. Itachi only had time for one wide eyed look of fear before Kiki had once again, brought her lips to his. Struggling to push himself away, Itachi finally planted an arm between his face and Kiki's.

"What about Hatake? I heard that you were an item with him." Itachi was willing, at this point, to say anything to get Kiki to stop; even if it meant that he had to act like he cared about some being other than himself. Kiki bit her bottom lip, worrying it between her teeth in an unintentionally seductive manner as she frowned at the dilemma.

"I-I don't know. I thought I loved him, but then I saw you and I knew that we were meant to be together. I guess I'm just going to have to explain this to him. I'm sure he'll understand. This is _true_ love after all."

The cup on the table was practically jumping off the table.

Abruptly, Itachi pushed his chair back and dumped Kiki (gracefully) on her ass on the ground. It was Kiki's turn to look up, wide eyed and startled at Kakashi.

"W-What was that for Chi-Chi?"

Said "Chi-Chi" looked rather pale at the nickname. Naruto looked like he was having a field day.

"You can come out now Hatake."

Kiki's eyes widened even more. "W-What?"

There was a puff of smoke and Kakashi appeared cross-legged on the table, looking like his world was shattered.

"How could you?"

Kiki's eyes filled with tears at Kakashi's heartbroken question. "I-I'm sorry Kakashi. I really am."

Standing up, the amber eyed girl approached, her hand reached out as if to give him a comforting hug. Kakashi flinched away from the contact, feeling rather offended that Kiki had thought a hug would make this all better. For the rest time in weeks, Kakashi felt more _alive_. He felt like he was Kakashi again.

"Don't you touch me!" Kakashi's hiss was dripping with so much acid, Itachi was momentarily surprised that it hadn't burnt a hole through the table. It was Kiki's turn to flinch away. The tears in her eyes rolled down her cheeks. Even now, she looked beautiful in her pain. Turning towards Itachi, her quiet sobs would've melted any hardened heart. Itachi just looked amused.

"Why Itachi? Why did you set me up? I thought you loved me."

Itachi smirked. "It's called retaliation, bitch."

A second later, all males disappeared in a puff of smoke, thanks to hand seals on Itachi's part.

Kiki slowly collapsed to the ground, drawing her knees up to her chest. Tears rolled down her cheeks as the events of the past day played in her head. "This isn't over yet Itachi."

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**_Author's Note:_** Things are really heating up, no?

_-fans herself-_

The DRAMA! Is Kakashi out of Kiki's spell? What's going to happen to Gaara now that he's travelling towards Konoha? Will he snap and kill Akamaru before the day's end?

And what about Kiki? Does she still love Itachi? Or has her "true love" moved on to someone else?

Once again, I profusely apologise for the delay, but you should all be happy that Kakashi's out of his daze no? I had this huge block of exams on, hence the lack of updates. Well, that and the writer's block I induced on myself because of the last line of chapter ten. Who knew that "That's incest!" would be so hard to follow up on?

Now that exams are over, I hope I can get the next chapter out sooner, but knowing how lazy I am, don't hold your breath.

And yes. To those reviewers who are getting impatient at Kiki's un-dieable-ness, the first step on his unravelling begins here. The end is coming... _–spooky music-_ Although I'm not exactly sure how many chapters its gonna take for me to wrap this up, I'm pretty confident this won't turn into a 20+ chapter fic. Probably won't even reach 18 at the rate I'm going.

Thanks to all the reviewers. I read all your reviews (several times, in fact) and have taken your considerations to heart, if not paper. All reviews were cherished and beamed over. You guys make my day!

PS: to **_Xgirl141_**: What _does_ "Kaka" mean in Ukrainian? You've got me all curious now. Is it rude? Naughty? Funny? WHAT? _–tries to google for a Ukrainian dictionary-_


	12. Chapter XII: Transition

**_Story Details:_** _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_**Author's Notes:** So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing.  
_

_**Warnings:** The perfection of Kiki, I guess. _

––––––––––

Salvation was near. Gaara could feel it in his bones.

Shielding his eyes from the glaring sun, the redhead couldn't quite keep a small (as _so_ tiny it could _almost_ be nonexistent) sigh of relief from escaping his lips. The rather intimidating wall of Konoha was only a few minutes away. Once he reached it, he would be free from the white menace which was currently skunking behind him. Gaara didn't even want to think about what the guards would think when they saw Akamaru tagging along after the Sand's most feared ninja. God, Temari was _so_ dead. Gaara's reputation would never be the same again.

Akamaru, to be frank, was just glad to be back in a place where trees and other green shrubbery were a normal occurrence. He had seen enough sand to last him his life. Risking a glance at his unwilling "bodyguard" (not that Gaara would _ever_ admit to that, not even under another one of Temari's lectures), Akamaru was really, really thankful that his time with the stoic and rather evil looking boy was about to come to an end. Hell, he'd even take Kiba heartlessly ignoring him if it meant that he could get away from Gaara.

But, just as salvation seemed so close, a feminine and familiar scream from the forest to the right of them stopped the two in their tracks.

"Kakashi! Please! Let me explain!"

Horror quickly replaced any other feeling as the puppy realised exactly who that voice belonged to. Gauging the distance between himself and the gates of Konoha (where sweet, sweet freedom was), Akamura rose on his shackles before making a run for it. A second later he was roughly grabbed by his neck and lifted from the ground, his legs still moving comically beneath him.

Gaara just dangled the squirming puppy in front of him, keeping the canine as far away from himself as possible. The sand in his gourd shifted hungrily. It'd been a while since it had anything else but humans to squish and it was in the mood for mutt-meat tonight. Gaara ignored the sand. Still keeping Akarmaru at arm's length, Gaara glared. "Stop."

Akamaru stopped.

He stayed perfectly still as Gaara shifted his attention to the forest, trying to pinpoint the source of voice. Akamaru really, really hoped that the boy wasn't thinking of taking after Kiki. He didn't think he could survive another encounter with her without any of his allies by his side.

Meanwhile, Gaara was confused. Who was the girl he had just heard? She sounded so desperate and alone. Just like him. Without knowing why (or how), Gaara just knew that the girl had suffered as much (if not more) than him. She understood his pain whilst no one else did and she knew exactly what he had (and still is) going through. Even Naruto didn't fully understand him, just as he didn't fully understand the blond. But, this girl! She knew exactly how lonely and bitter Gaara felt. The pain in her voice was so obvious and Gaara, for the first time in his life, felt his burden lift slightly from his shoulders. Finally he'd found somebody who understood him.

As the authoress sits slightly stunned at Gaara's show of humanity, she couldn't quite help but wonder if the redhead's mental state had finally snapped due to his lack of sleep. After all, Gaara was sounding like he was talking about things that weren't, well, _quite there_, if you know what I mean. She certainly didn't hear any loneliness or pain (alright, maybe a _little_ bit of pain) in Kiki's voice. And also, how the hell, she would like to know, did Gaara know so much about Kiki's personality and _oh so sad _(sobsobsob) past from five words? That doesn't even constitute a sentence! Just as the authoress is about to _subtly_ suggest (she really didn't fancy being squished into a bazillion drops of blood curtsey of Gaara's sand) that the redhead go and lie down in a dark room somewhere, Gaara took off, poor Akamaru still dangling helplessly from his grip.

Gaara needed to find the girl who sounded so like him and do the whole bonding thing. Akamaru just wanted to die. Why him?

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Kakashi swore rather crudely as he jumped from tree to tree. After Kiki had found the trio that morning, his day had gone from bad to "the worst day of his _beeping beeping_ life!" Which, if examine Kakashi's life closely, was saying something. I mean, getting an eye transplant from your best friend as he lays next to you dying has got to rate pretty high on the "Days Kakashi Would Rather Forget" list.

As if shattering his world wasn't enough, Itachi also had the gall to sit and laugh (well, smirk actually. Can you imagine Itachi laughing?) at his stupidity for most of the night. Unbeknownst to Kakashi, Itachi was just trying to make up for his earlier display of what seemed like concern over Kakashi's well being by being extra evil. Needless to say, both parties walked away with plenty of bruises and mental scarring. Naruto just pissed his pants laughing. That'll teach Kaka-sensei for teaching Sasuke the Chidori and not him!

So when Kiki suddenly popped up in the tree they were hiding in (it's tree for Christ's sake! _How_ can you hide in a tree?) doing her almost crying thing, the three had panicked. Yep! That's right! Two of the best shinobi to ever come out of Konoha and the self-proclaimed future hokage (just you watch!) had all screamed in a rather unbecoming fashion before running for their lives.

Something must've gone wrong somewhere in the divine order of things.

"Kakashi! Please! Let me explain!"

All three males just ran faster. They really needed to regroup and come up with a feasible plan before taking on Kiki. They weren't ready for such a challenge! They weren't prepared! They were all going to die! They were –

By now, the authoress is puzzled (and slightly disgusted). She always thought that shinobi were supposed to be prepared for any situation. Come rain, snow or shine (or wind or sleet or fire or landslide), the shinobi would get their jobs done, no fuss kicked up. Sheesh! You call yourselves shinobi? I've seen fish be better shinobi than you three (no pun on Kisame's behalf intended). And to think that I used to think how cool you wer-

Hello Mr Sharigan, sir. No sir, I didn't mean you, sir. Please don't hurt me, sir.

And that's how the authoress learned to never question their decisions ever again.

Unfortunately for our three unprepared heroes, Kiki was faster than them all (being the super, uber cross-country runner than she is) and easily overtook the group. Screeching to a halt, Kakashi narrowly avoided bashing into his ex-soulmate, therefore sending them tumbling to their deaths thirty feet below. Naruto, however, didn't have the superior braking capabilities of his older counterparts and connected solidly with a tree. Only Itachi's rather reluctant last minute (last second, really) grab for his jacket saved him a trip to the afterlife.

Naruto just grinned widely, clearly suffering a head injury of some kind. Squinting up at Itachi, the blond let out a rather scary giggle.

Almost fangirl scary. I know, _that_ scary!

"You 'ook 'ike a 'airy. A pwetty, pwetty faaaaaaaaaaaaaaairy!" Followed by more fangirl-sque giggling.

Itachi's eye twitched and his fingers promptly uncurled from their grasp on Naruto's jacket. Nobody called him pretty and got away with it. He wasn't pretty! Beautiful (in a purely manly way)? Yes. Pretty? NO!

Wha-?

Oh, eh, right. And he also wasn't a fairy. That's right! He _was_ a fa- _WASN'T_, he **_wasn't_** a fairy!

As readers backed away from the elder Uchiha (who was starting to give off rather strange vibes), Kakashi faced a much greater challenge. Kiki.

Steeling himself against an onslaught of pure Kiki-ness (he'd been warned of the symptoms the previous night) Kakashi mentally counted his weapons.

Kiki, unaware of the danger she was in, just regarded Kakashi through saddened eyes glistening with tears (because what else would saddened eyes have in them? Blood?). She unconsciously clutched at the front of kimono and worried it in her grasp as she tried to think of the words to express how sorry she was to have hurt Kakashi. "I'm sorry Kakashi. I really am. You were never meant to get hurt."

"Well, that didn't work out too good now, did it?"

Kiki bit her bottom lip, looking torn between bursting into tears and launching into a full-fledged speech on how even she can make mistakes, etc., etc. Kakashi didn't look impressed (not that you can really tell from his face, considering the mask and all, but it was just the feeling of unimpressed-ness that came off Kakashi).

"If it's any consolation, I really did love you."

"It isn't and I don't care."

Kiki, at this point, did burst into tears, all the while cursing her painful life and the heavens for bestowing such a heavy upon her delicately heaving shoulders. What did she do to deserve this? It wasn't as if she went out looking for trouble. She _really_ had loved Kakashi! But, deep in her heart, she knew that Itachi was the man for her and the love she felt for Kakashi was child's play when compared to the depth of emotion she had for the elder Uchiha.

Strongly reminded of the love scenes in the tacky romance novels (that one picked up from airports and newsagencies) with X-rated covers that Kisame usually had his nose buried in, Itachi rolled his eyes. Could this get anymore clichéd? Kiki might as well stumble towards Kakashi, tears running down her face, before she threw herself into his arms and declaring her undying love for him. Itachi smirked, but it was wiped off his face a second later as Kiki really did start to stumble towards Kakashi, tears streaming down her face.

Capable of only blinking in shock, Itachi watched as Kiki threw herself into Kakashi's arms and burying her face into his chest. Oh dear God! Is this where the declarations of love come in? Itachi growled. He did not want to go through the trouble of re-converting Kakashi to his side again. Once was enough trauma for the both of them, thank you very much!

Which was why he did what he did, he supposed later on.

Before he was even aware of moving, his body was between Kiki and Kakashi. Physically shoving Kiki away (he'd have to wash his hands several hundred times to even feel remotely clean), Itachi glared at her. Kakashi was already starting to look dazed due to exposure to Kiki and he was beginning to see the errors of his wa-

NO!

He was _not_ seeing the errors of his ways damn it! He didn't have _any_ errors! Kiki cheated on _him_. He would _not_ understand! He would _not_ congratulate her on finding her true love! He would _not_ be happy because she was happy!

"Focus on the pain, Hatake. Focus on the pain. Focus on the pain. Focus on the pa- OW! Why the hell did you do that you motherfuc-!"

"You're the one muttering "Focus on the pain." I'm only helping you focus."

This deadpan explanation was followed with another one of Itachi's infuriating smirks. Kakashi just growled as he yanked the kunai from his thigh and tried to stop the bleeding.

"You didn't have to actually stick a kunai into my leg!"

"Only trying to help Hatake. No need to get your panties in a twist."

Kakashi, at this point, turned a rather alarming purple colour. Neither of the men noticed the new gleam in Kiki's eyes as she regarded the two. In fact, neither of men even seemed to notice Kiki's presence anymore. This probably had something to do with the fact that Kiki had suppressed all her chakra and seal-lessly performed a jutsu which allowed her to hide her physical presence in a split second (another wonderful jutsu brought to you by BullShit Jutsu Inc.)

"I wonder..." she muttered to herself as she watched Kakashi take a swipe at Itachi with the bloodied kunai. Crossing her arms, Kiki tilted her head to one side as Itachi ducked the swipe and increased his smirk. "I wonder indeed..."

"Kaka-sensei?"

The two broke off their fight to stare at the pale blond. Naruto looked like he had had better days. Clothing torn and dishevelled beyond the point of repair, twigs and leaves sticking out from random positions in his hair and said torn and dishevelled clothing and a nasty looking lump on his head. Hanging limply on to a branch, it was obvious that the blond had climbed back up after the tree after he had fell (with no small thanks to Itachi's image complex).

"What happened Naruto?" Kakashi was frantic as he rushed to help his student up. The Fourth would _so_ kill him if he was alive and saw Naruto in this state.

"Ita-bastard let go of me and I fell."

Kakashi whipped around, eye narrowed and all but spitting fire. Itachi didn't even have the grace to look ashamed. Instead he looked almost proud of his handiwork (he _was_ Itachi after all).

"YOU GODDAMN, GOOD FOR NOTHING, PIECE OF SH-!"

"Awww, you two are so cute together."

Kakashi and Itachi promptly fell silent at Kiki's exclamation of delight. One could almost see the proverbial stormclouds encasing the two men.

"What did you say?"

Itachi's hiss made ice look hot in comparison. Kakashi just glared harder.

"I don't know how I didn't see it before. You two are perfect for each other! Like another Naruto and Sasuke!"

Naruto twitched at the mention of _his_ name. He almost regretted not dying when he fell from the tree. Closing his eyes in resignation, Naruto just sighed. This was not going to end well.

Kiki just continued to giggle over the pure smexiness of an ItaKaka relationship. After all, the only thing Mary Sues loved more than themselves getting together with a canon character was another canon character getting together with the first canon character (confused yet?). Especially when the said canon characters are of the same gender; aka: male. In other words, Mary Sues just really, _really_ loved slash.

Itachi looked like he really, _really_ wanted to detach Kiki's head from her body. She did so _not_ just imply he was gay. Overlooking the pure absurdness of this assumption (wasn't she declaring her love for him a day ago? Wasn't she in a relationship with Kakashi? How could she do this if they were both gay?), Itachi did not like to have his masculinity attacked. It was bad enough that most people thought he was pretty, he _so_ did not need his sexual orientation questioned on top of that. He can be pretty (not that Itachi was pretty mind you. Never say that Itachi was pretty to his face if you don't want Bad Things to happen to you) and _not_ gay, a notion all Mary Sues ignored automatically.

Kakashi was beyond incensed. He was a manly man! And manly men are not gay! Has Kiki even looked at his questionable reading material? They were mostly definitely for the straightest of men, a label Kakashi wore with pride (it's true. He even has a "As straight a senbon, and proud of it!" sticker on his locker in the Jounin locker room).

Which was why, after a second more Kiki's giggling, Itachi threw all the Katon jutsues he knew at her, not even pausing for breath as he literally torched the place. Kakashi barely managed to clear the blast zone with Naruto dangling hazardously under one arm. Rolling his eye at Itachi, Kakashi sighed irritably as the pyromaniac in Itachi let itself loose. God! Couldn't the man at least have given some warning before he decided to roast them all?

As Itachi finally stopped to take a breath, even he couldn't hide his surprise at what he saw. A blockade of sand surrounded Kiki, completely protecting her from Itachi's fire. Due to the heat of the flames, the outer layers of sand had turned to glass, giving a rather god-like appearance to Kiki...if she wasn't visually blocked by the inner layers sand which had managed to escape unscathed (a fact which the said sand was undoubtedly grateful for). The sand withdrew when it became clear that Itachi was so overcome with shock that he wasn't capable of throwing anymore Katon jutsues Kiki's way anymore. Either that or he was out of breath. I'm betting on the latter.

Flowing gracefully from Kiki, the sand floated back to its rightful place.

Right into the gourd hanging off Gaara's shoulder.

Itachi narrowed his eyes at the boy, feeling his hold on his temper loosen dangerously. Gaara glared right back, not at all intimidated. If he could live through Shukaku's insistent ramblings on sand dumplings (what can I say? The demon _was_ insane) he could live through Uchiha Itachi's glare.

"You will not touch her."

Itachi's opinion of "Like hell I won't" was on the tip of his tongue, but before he could actually say it, a harassed-looking ANBU member burst on to the scene, mask dangerously close to falling. Everybody froze and stared. The ANBU fidgeted under the scrutiny. And then blinked at Itachi.

Finger pointing accusingly, the ANBU spluttered.

"Yo-you're that Uchiha bastard!"

Itachi did not look fazed (he _never_ looked fazed). He knew he was bastard (he _did_ kill his whole family. You really can't get more bastard-y than that). No need to point it out every two minutes, a gesture Naruto seemed to take great delight in.

Before Itachi could retort and shatter the already stressed ANBU's mentality, Kakashi took pity and intervened.

"What did you want Jukita-san?" Because, like all _good_ Mary-Sue stories, the authoress has _no idea_ what constitutes a Japanese name and is too lazy to google it. All she really needs to do is to whack together random letters until they look remotely Japanese-y. Hence Jukita.

At this point the authoress would like to point out that she has absolutely no idea what "Jukita" actually means. If it, by some miniscule chance, is the Japanese word for some kinky S&M action which requires the use of a cow and a handful of beetroots, then she would maintain (in court if necessary) that the word was not used intentionally. Then she would proceed to mercilessly tease the person who pointed out the meaning of the word with statements such as "How, exactly, do you know what the word means?" (_nudgenudgewinkwink_) and "So, beetroot any good cows lately?".

But, I'm digressing from the story. So sorry.

The ANBU (now hence forth known as Jukita) came to the decision right then and there that he was going on vacation after this whole fiasco. With a really strong bottle of whiskey. And some nice, relaxing jazz. Oooh, and maybe some of those expensive chocolates he saw the other day.

Determinedly ignoring the presence of Itachi and Gaara (who still had Akamaru clutched tightly in his grasp, the poor puppy), Jukita faced Kakashi.

"The Sound is attacking. The hokage needs all available shinobi back at her office to plan our defence."

With that, Jukita disappeared, taking his part as messenger boy very seriously.

And also like all good Mary-Sue stories, where would the Mary-Sue be without a world-altering battle/event/tea party in which to prove her skills? No matter how unlikely it was for the Sound to actually attack Konoha at that moment in time (because as far as I can see, the Sound currently has 5 shinobi and a bunch of snakes), Kiki needed a place to shine. And she was going to get it, damnit, whether anybody else wanted it or not!

Gaara blinked in agitation. Trust Temari to land him in a potentially fatal war. Then his green gaze turned towards Kiki, the girl so alike to himself. For the first time, Gaara felt the stirring of the human emotion known as luuuuurve in his heart. After all, how could anyone _not_ love her? She was so beautiful and talented and knew exactly how cruel the world had been to the redhead.

Kiki looked towards the young man to her right. The young man who saved her life (not that she would've perished anyway. She could, like, sooooooooo outrun those flames!). The young man who was currently regarding her with such an intense gaze that Kiki felt the breath catch in her throat. As her feelings for Itachi melted away (he was, like, so destined for Kaka anyway, like, yeah?), another love took its place. And this love was centred on the angsty green-eyed, red-haired demon carrier from Suna.

"Oh God. Not Gaara too."

Akamaru whole heartedly agreed with Naruto.

Itachi just breathed a sigh of relief, glad that Kiki's love wasn't directed at him anymore. The boy from Suna could drown himself in his own sand for all that Itachi cared. Kakashi watched the scene with an almost clinical interest. He certainly hoped that he hadn't acted his dopey when he was in love with Kiki (he was manly man! Manly men don't do dopey. Period). Some of his trepidation must've shown on his face because Naruto's snickering jerked him out of his thoughts a second later.

"Don't worry Kaka-sensei. You didn't act like Gaara."

Kakashi sagged in relief, content that his image and reputation hadn't been damaged too badly in his affair with Kiki.

"You were _much_ worse."

Kakashi now knew the satisfaction Itachi must've felt as he watched Naruto plummet to the ground.

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**_Author's Note: _**Lol, I have finally run out of -tion words to use for the chapter title and have resulted to made up words. If you have any suggestions on what the title could be, drop me a line in the reviews and I'll change it.

Fear not my lovely readers, the end is coming soon.

And consequently, so is demise of Kiki. _Such_ a coincidence, no?

I realised this chapter is somewhat slow moving, when compared to other chapters, but look at it as the pre-climax.

Next chapter, things really start to roll.

But Gaara!_ –gasp-_ Gaara is in love with Kiki!

And Kiki is in love with Gaara! _–double gasp- _Sorry to all Gaara fans out there, but, well, it's not fun if I don't mess with him.

How will this new love fare amidst the horrors and heartache of battle? Oh the DRAMA!

Lol, couldn't resist the totally CrackPairing!ItaKaka. The idea just popped into my head as I was writing about them bickering. After all, no Mary Sue worth their salt can see their argument as purely platonic (considering the slash fangirl thing going on). And I must think like a Mary Sue! –_determined face despite the pure wrongness of that thought_-

Loved. All. Reviews. (large amounts of drool were involved)

-_hugs reviewers to death_-

_**I would like to say that although I don't reply to reviews, I did read them all. I do take your considerations into account when writing the next chapter. I'm sorry if I can't cater to everyone's wants and needs, but I have an idea of where this story is going and I don't want to change it because a few people had mentioned that they like this better or they want to see that. If I can make everyone happy, I would. But as everyone has different opinions on things, I'm just going to do things my way and hopefully, you'll all like how the story has turned out. **_

_**And I don't answer questions in reviews not because I'm an old meanie poo and ignore my reviewers, but rather, I don't have the list of reviews next to me when I'm writing the next chapter and I don't want to give the story away. As most of the questions centre around what's going to happen next in story, my reply to all of them would've been "Just wait and see! Bwahahahahahaha." **_

That explanation aside, hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	13. Chapter XIII: Annihilation

_**Story Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **__I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_**Author's Notes:**__ So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

_**Warnings:**__ The perfection of Kiki, I guess. _

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Kiki and Gaara sat side-by-side on the wall protecting Konoha that night. The real battle wouldn't start until tomorrow and both wanted some _alone_ (nudgenudge) time together before the fighting. Neither party said anything; no words were needed. Every time they touched or even looked at each other, the depth of their emotion was clear.

Kiki bumped her shoulder gently against the one next to her. The young man tolerated it (and - dare I say it? – even seemed to _enjoy_ the physical gesture), mysteriously not minding that Kiki had all but blown his Personal Bubble into tiny, microscopic pieces. Kiki's presence was comforting and even Shukaku was strangely silent, his beloved obsession with sand dumplings forgotten for the moment as the two soon-to-be lovers watched the stars.

When Naruto accidentally stumbled on to the scene two seconds later, he all but had an aneurism. Only Kakashi's desperate dive at the last moment saved the boy from his third fall in less than ten hours. Hauling the boy to his feet, Kakashi took one look Naruto's face before quickly placing himself behind his student. Turning Naruto to face Itachi, a wicked smirk formed behind his mask.

"Yo Uchiha!"

The man turned, a sneer in place as he determinedly avoided visual confirmation of the now kissing couple not ten feet away from them. God, just the noises coming from Kiki and Gaara were enough to make him sick.

"What?"

Kakashi's smirk widened. The blond in his grasp teetered dangerously, his face turning a worrying green colour. Itachi narrowed his eyes suspiciously. What the hell was Kakashi up to now?

"Hope you've got a _great_ drycleaner."

That cryptic warning was the last thing Itachi's brain processed before he found himself covered in Naruto's vomit.

_Again_.

Only capable of standing there looking stunned (again, nothing more than a slight furrowing of the muscle above the left eyebrow), Itachi watched in blatant disbelief as Kakashi heaped praise upon undeserved (in Itachi's homicidal mind at least) praise onto Naruto.

Naruto looked like he just wished for someone to finally put him out of his misery.

Itachi's shout of pure rage and Kakashi's answering snickers were lost a second later when Naruto screamed bloody murder. Both adults froze in the middle of their grappling match and whipped around to see Sasuke appear next to Naruto. The other Uchiha had an arm wrapped around Naruto's waist, keeping his struggling teammate flush against his body.

Sasuke smirked. "I told you I'd catch you Naru-chan." Naruto's answer was to sob brokenly, praying for divine intervention (or a really _really_ good psychiatrist). Kakashi's brain almost melted at the sight of the two children (for that _was_ what they were) acting in such a blatant sexual manne-

_Wait_.

Did Naruto and Sasuke even know what sex was? Kakashi's eye lit up disturbingly. Was it time for _The Talk_? Was it time for him to finally bestow the glorious knowledge of the mind-blowing experience that occurred "when a man loves a woman"? Was it time to finally share the delicious fruits of Icha Icha Para-

"NO! NONONONONO! GET OFF ME! G'OFF ME! OFF! OFF! OFF!" Naruto's horrified screams turned up a notch (and several octaves) as Sasuke attempted to copy what Kiki was currently doing to Gaara.

Only with his _tongue_, instead of his _fingers_.

Kakashi resolutely ignored the said redhead and his ex-soulmate as he attempted to separate Sasuke and Naruto. Grunting in annoyance at Itachi (who was up the nearest tree and scrubbing away with leaves), Kakashi plucked Naruto from Sasuke's death grip and slung the poor boy over his shoulder. Knocking Sasuke out with a well-timed swing of his arm, Kakashi disappeared with both back to his apartment. He had _The Talk_ to plan.

And he had diagrams. _Lots_ of them.

Kiki and Gaara just continued to do… um _things, _not noticing all the commotion around them (some ninja they were).

Right on the wall.

In full view of the sentries.

It's a wonder to this day that none of them fell off.

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The day dawned bright and bubbly the next day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and there was not a cloud in the sky. When a kunai flew out of the Hokage's window and staked the unfortunate singing bird to the tree, a sudden silence fell as the other birds paused in their song. Birds may not be what one would call intelligent, but they were not _that_ stupid, thank you very much!

Needless to say, the battle was not going well for Konoha. It wasn't going well, _at all_.

When Orochimaru turned up two hours before the designated starting time, Tsunade hadn't broken a sweat. She should've known that that two-faced slimey bastard of a reptile wouldn't do the honourable thing and start at the appointed time. She immediately sent Jukita to round up the troops for some serious snake ass whoopin'. Shizune just calmly handed Jukita the megaphone and sent him on his merry way.

When ten thousand ninjas had just freakin' appeared out of _nowhere_ behind Orochimaru, Tsunage got out her anti-perspirant and put the ANBU members (specialising in stealth and assassination) up to creating as many shadow clones as possible and then sending them out there to kill as many of those _beeping_ _beeping_ _beeps_ of a _beeping_ _beep_ as possible. Shizune just calmly fanned the Hokage.

When, not one, but _ten_ snakes the size of Manda popped up a second later in gigantic puffs of smoke, Tsunade made a rather undignified squeaking sound at the back of her throat. Shizune just calmly got out the portable air conditioner and a few (hundred) bottles of sake.

Tsunade placed her head in her hands and seriously considered the merits of hightailing it out of there. It wasn't like she wanted this job to begin with, right? Besides, she did not want to _ever_ consider where Orochimaru had gotten that many snakes from. Tsunde wasn't even _aware_ that there _was_ more than one snake of Manda's size. Horrible images of snakes reproducing flashed across her mind and she reached blindly for the alcohol. Shizune just calmly placed the miracle disguised as a white bottle into Tsunade's desperate fingers.

––––––––––

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on who you were and just how long you'd been standing there, Orochimaru had suddenly and unexplainably developed a flare for the melodramatic. Rather than attacking all at once with his 10 010 strong shinobi/snake army, Orochimaru chose instead to perch daintily on the head of a grumbling Manda and launch into what he thought was a stirring and thoroughly motivating speech.

10 009 ninjas/snakes out of the 10 010 discretely fell asleep within the first five minutes of what turned out to be Orochimaru's epic three-hour ego stroking speech stroking, well, his own ego. The lone shinobi who didn't fall asleep actually decided that death was better than listening to this tortu- I mean "stirring and thoroughly motivating speech" and killed himself, much to Orochimaru's displeasure.

The Leaf shinobi just sighed and settled themselves at the base of Konoha's wall, some pulling out cards and others (Asuma) pulling out cigarettes, ready to whittle away the time. Orochimaru had always been known to be something of a chatterbox back in the day.

Naruto just slumped against the wall, half relieved and half bored. After managing to convince himself (after _two bloody hours_) that no, Sasuke's tongue had _not_ been _there_, Naruto was more or less (read: _less_) back to his pre-Gaara/Kiki days (ie, Chapter 11). Until, that is, Sasuke more or less (read: _more_) sidled up to the blond and smirked rather lecherously, eyes trailing down the orange monstrosity that was Naruto's jumpsuit. The said blond quickly back-pedalled away from his teammate, looking around desperately for Kakashi to protect him. Unfortunately, Kakashi had whipped out Icha Icha Paradise and was, for all intents and purposes, dead to the world.

The tiny portion of Naruto's mind that wasn't attempting the brain version of seppuku decided right then and there that Kakashi will be put on latrine duty for the rest of his natural life when (_not_ if) Naruto became Hokage. Especially after curry nights. If fact, Naruto will make every night a curry night. So intent in his thoughts of revenge, Naruto didn't even notice Sasuke's hand until it was too late.

When it made contact with a rather sensitive area of his body, Naruto twitched violently and pressed himself fearfully against to Itachi, much to the man's distaste. Side-stepping away from the boy, Itachi didn't realise how close he was to Kakashi until he bumped unceremoniously into the other ninja, accidentally flattening Kakashi against Konoha wall. This caused the Konoha shinobi to raise his visible eyebrow and leer mockingly at Itachi.

"So I guess Kiki was right, huh? You want some of this, hotstuff?"

"This" turned out to be Kakashi's ass, which the ninja was taking great delight in shimming right under Itach's nose. Itachi then made the catastrophic mistake of take a breath (of _anger_, mind you) at the same time as Kakashi's bowel suffered a sudden and unexplained bout of flatulence.

The resulting odour would make Pakkun proud.

It almost, but not quite, knocked Itachi out (much to his dismay). As it was, stars exploded in front of Itachi's eyes and he wobbled unsteadily on his feet. Kakashi hurriedly looped an arm under Itachi's arms to support the fallen ninja (feeling only _slightly_ guilty for the pain he'd caused).

Somewhere out in the great reaches of the universe, a possibly non-existent Greater Being was watching the drama unfold with a bowl of popcorn in his/her/it's lap and a delighted grin upon his/her/it's face.

Gosh, Kakashi hadn't known his farts had that effect of people (although, it did explain the infamous Locker Room Incident). Maybe he could design a new weapon out of it? Some type of Fart Bomb? Faromb? _Fomb?_ Hey, that actually sounded kind of cool.

The possibly non-existent Great Being agreed.

As Sasuke trailed his hand down Naruto's back, the blond convulsed comically, almost jumping out of his skin. Coincidentally this was the motion that started this whole pointless, but thoroughly entertaining, fiasco.

Unfortunately, Kiki chose this moment to amble past, Gaara's arms draped possessively around her waist. Glancing fleetingly at the rather mismatched group, Kiki skidded to a halt as she caught sight of Kakashi and Itachi in what seemed like a lover's embrace (Kakashi huffed angrily as he readjusted his arms around Itachi's torso to stop the other man from falling to the ground. Itachi needed to lose some weight, Goddamnit!).

A fangirl-sque squeal escaped Kiki's perfectly plump lips. Stars sparkled in her eyes and tantalising thoughts tumbled in her mind. Kakashi's head jerked up and he aimed a death glare at Kiki (and the authoress, just daring her to come up with another awful alliterati- What? Why are you all stari… _damn. _Er, nice Kakashi?).

Kiki's eyes twinkled back knowingly, content in the knowledge that she had helped another pair of star-crossed lovers find true love. Kakashi wished she would just drown herself and save him the time and trouble.

Before Kakashi could launch himself at Kiki, Naruto had taken the liberty to jump towards Gaara, a half-crazed look in his eyes. Falling to his knees in front of the redhead, Naruto couldn't quite contain the desperate sobs that bubbled up in this throat. Clutching on to the front of Gaara's shirt, Naruto jerked the rather startled male down until their faces were only separated by a hair's breath. Sasuke's Sharigan powered up automatically as jealousy washed over him. Only Kiki's gentle and soothing hand on his shoulder stopped him from tearing Gaara to pieces.

"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease take me back to Suna with you. _Pleeeeeeeeease_. I can't take it here anymore. Not with Uchiha. And besides, we're buddies right? We share the same plight, right? You know, Kyuubi, Shukaku. Who cares if mine has nine tails and yours only has one? We're in the same boat, _right_? And you wouldn't leave a brother hanging, _right_? _RIGHT_?"

"…" Gaara tried not to stare, he really did, but Naruto's questionable mentality made it quite hard. After all, crazy people are like a bad car crash. You just can't help but gape and point, even though you know you shouldn't. It was obvious from the last "right" that the blond was already past hysterical and on a one way trip into the loony bin. Not the mention that the word had reached an octave only known to dogs.

"I don't have Shukaku in me anymore," was the best that Gaara could come with as he tried (and failed) to detach Naruto's grip on his shirt. It was actually very uncomfortable for him to be bent almost in half like this.

Unfortunately, that statement only served to shatter Naruto's psyche more. Letting his hand drop limply to his side, it was Naruto's turn to stare at Gaara as if the Sand shinobi was a piece of the universe gone horribly, horribly wrong.

"…_what_?"

It was nothing more than a whisper, but everyone with in a thirty metre radius heard it as they all tried to process the bomb that Gaara had dropped on them.

"What do you mean that it's "in you anymore"? How did you do _that_?" Once again, Naruto was all up in Gaara's grill, blue eyes blazing as a tentative hope raised its head within his heart.

"Kiki."

And just like that, the tentative hope was shot down, torched and the remains thrown into a giant raging volcano affectionately known as 'Reality' to its friends.

"_What_?"

The hushed whispers and awed looks towards Kiki started. The girl just humbly and modestly accepted the praise bordering on hero-worship. Being good of heart all that crap, she was just content that she had helped someone. Gaara looked uncharacteristically smug and proud as his green eyes locked with the amber ones of his beloved.

"Last night during our time _as one_ (I think I'm going to be sick), Kiki somehow managed to remove Shukaku from within me, purify the demon and set it free."

Kakashi could only gape in astonishment, praying that he had heard wrong. His grip slackened on Itachi and the still incapacitated ninja fell to the ground with a disturbing giggle. Kakashi didn't particularly care.

Besides, what did Gaara mean, _as one_? The boy was barely _into_ puberty, let alone being old enough to have the anatomical equipment and reactions needed to enjoy the comforts of when "a man loved a woman". In fact, wasn't Gaara the same age as his students? Looking at the young man, Kakashi noted with some surprise at the how tall the other wa-

Wait a minute. Wait just a freaking minute.

Eyes narrowing, Kakashi surveyed the younger male with ever growing suspicion. Ignoring Naruto (who seemed to be convulsing on the ground at the thought of being _anything_ with Kiki) Kakashi strode purposefully up to Gaara and got all up in his grill as well.

"Gaara," Kakashi started, his voice low and serious. "How old are you?"

Gaara raised his recently discovered left eyebrow at Kakashi (how the hell did the eyebrow get there?) in confusion.

"Eighteen?"

Something in Kakashi's brain twitched and died.

"Wha-? But…but you were only thirteen a couple of months of ago!"

Gaara's right eyebrow joined his left one.

"And where the _hell_ did you get those eyebrows _from_?"

Gaara huffed, crossing his arms in indignation. "For your information Hatake, I've always had these eyebrows. It wasn't my fault that it took Kiki's presence for you to realise that they were there."

(There was no way in hell that Kiki's leading man would be someone without eyebrows. Gaara was getting them, whether it was canon or not)

"What? That doesn't even make sens-"

Gaara barrelled on, ignoring Kakashi's splutter. "I was _seventeen_ a couple of months ago, Hatake. Get it right."

The splutter turned into a squawk at the end as Kakashi was rendered into speechlessness.

(Kiki was, like, not a cradle robber! She wouldn't have done the nasty with a young boy. God, you people are _so_ sick if you think that, like, she could, like actually do _it_ with a thirteen year ago. Obviously, since Gaara was her like, True Love and all, she had to like, tweak his age a little. So like, ditto above for the canon thing.)

Asume stepped forward and laid a comforting hand on Kakashi's shoulder. "Kakashi, are you feeling alright? You've always know that Gaara was eighteen-"

"I did _not_!"

"-and the Kazekage-"

"_**WHAT**_?"

"-…why don't you lie down for a bit?"

Kakashi glared harshly at his friend. "Gaara is _not_ eighteen, he is _not_ the Kazekage and I most certainly will _not_ "lie down for a bit"! There is _nothing_ wrong with _me_! It's _her_ that something is wrong with!"

Kiki looked at the accusing face shoved in her face with something akin to sadness and pity. Kakashi bristled at the look. If that bitc-

"I know that you're jealous Kakashi, but that's no reason to accuse me of anything."

"_Excuse_ me?"

"I'm sorry I've hurt you Kakashi, but what more do you want from me?" Here, tears glimmered in Kiki's eyes. "Why can't you just be happy for me? For Gaara and me? Why are you so bitter?"

Gaara was at Kiki's side in an instant, wrapping the softly weeping girl in his strong, _eighteen_-year-old arms and shooting death with his eyes Kakashi. All the other shinobi, friends of Kakashi's for years, were all looking at him in anger and pity, wholeheartedly supporting Kiki.

Kakashi bit back something offending about Kiki's various orifices and blunt objects. Snatching Naruto up, Kakashi shot one more dark look at Kiki before retreating back to his previous position besides the wall and Itachi. Turning his back determinedly on the other shinobi (and ignoring their mutters of how disappointed they were), Kakashi flopped to the ground and glared at nothing in particular.

Then he kicked Itachi in the shin. _Hard_. And kicked him again. Just because.

Itachi let out another giggle.

––––––––––

When Itachi came to, the first thing he noticed was the pain. Frowning slightly, Itachi peeled open his eyes and gingerly pulled himself up until he was sitting, his back leaning against the Konoha wall. Running his down his right shin carefully, Itachi bit back a curse when pain flared up his leg again. Rolling the leg of his trousers up, Itachi's eyes narrowed in anger as a myriad of bruises appeared.

"Hatake!"

"You called, honey bun?"

Itachi growled, jumped to his feet and immediately wished he didn't when his world tilted alarmingly. Ignoring the snickers, Itachi braced himself on the wall and glared, his Sharigan starting to peek out. He hadn't forgotten the Farting Incident. No siree bob. Kakashi was going to pay with his blood.

As if knowing what Itachi was thinking, Kakashi quirked his eyebrow at him, his mark not hiding the mocking curve his lips.

"It's called a Fomb actually. If you're going to mentally decapitate me, I'd prefer it if you used the correct terms. I've decided that I'm going to make a weapon out of it. Efficient isn't it?"

Itachi blinked. "You _named_ your _fart_?"

Kakashi grinned, unperturbed by Itachi's incredulous tone. "Took _you_ out, didn't it?"

Itachi's mouth twisted into a sneer, eyes darkening in anger. "I'm going to rip your spleen out and make you eat it you motherfuc-"

"Oh, that's just mean, Itachi-kuuuuun. I thought we had something special, love."

Moving faster than the eye could see, Itachi slammed Kakashi against the wall, a kunai pressed into Kakashi's throat. Kakashi's eye darkened as well, his demeanour turning serious as he reached for his own weapons.

Before blood could really be shed, a sudden shockwave raced through the air, freezing everyone on the battlefield. Itachi and Kakashi broke from their almost-fight and glanced in surprise at the cause of the commotion. Spotting Kiki, the mouths of the two men comically turned down simultaneously. Then the surprising thing happened.

9 999 shinobi (remember, one had off-ed himself because of Orochimaru's speech) and the 10 snakes disappeared in a puff of smoke. Disappeared as in nada, zip, zilch, is no more kinda thing. Orochimaru only had time for a surprised screech before he plummeted 100 metres to ground, his Manda perch no longer underneath him.

As he landed in a heap, Kiki approached him without fear and hesitation. The Konoha shinobi looked on in shock and awe, feeling honoured that they had a kunoichi so brave and selfless among them. Because, you know, none of _them_ would've dared to approach the still cursing Orochimaru. Duh.

Glaring at the breath-takingly beautiful female in front of him, Orochimaru snarled. "What did you do?"

Kiki looked back calmly. "I just performed a jutsu that suppressed all the chakra within a two kilometre radius. That means that anything that was summoned with chakra (like you could summon it any _other_ way) would disappear because I've trapped the chakra that summoned it in the first place."

Orochimaru looked upon Kiki in fear. Kabuto was strangely nowhere to be found.

The Konoha shinobi looked upon Kiki in pride.

Itachi and Kakashi looking upon Kiki in disbelief.

Naruto, having wisely decided to stay out of Kakashi and Itach's little spat, crept cautiously up to the two adults. He then proceeded to point out the obvious, "Wouldn't we, um, be _dead_ if she suppressed all our chakra?"

Kakashi looked blankly at Naruto as Itachi narrowed his eyes at Kiki, a plan forming in his mind (_finally!_). As Kiki launched into _her_ epic three hour spiel about honour and courage and the greater good (gag him please), a cruel smirk turned his lips. It was so simple it was a wonder he hadn't thought of it before.

"Hatake."

There must have been a "I just figured out how to completely and thoroughly cleanse this Earth of the vile creature known as Kiki and it's so impressive I think I've just fallen in love with myself" quality in his voice because Kakashi honed in on him, eye glinting.

"What's the one thing that she values above all else?"

"Love."

The reply from Kakashi was immediate and swift. Both men struggled not to shudder as horrible memories of their own encounter with Kiki's love surfaced in their minds.

"And who does she love now?"

"Gaara."

"And she would do anything for him, right?"

Something in Kakashi's mind clicked and his face mirrored the evil look on Itachi's face.

"Right, _anything_. And since Gaara no longer has Shukaku inside him..."

Itachi just glanced at Kakashi in surprise, having not heard about this new development. It was understandable, considering that he had been out of it and drooling on the ground due to the Fart Incident. This just made everything laughably easy.

"…capturing him should be a piece of cake," Itachi finished for Kakashi, not missing a beat.

Itachi glanced casually at Kakashi. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking (B1)?"

Kakashi's shit-eating grin was clear to all. "I think I am (B2)."

As the two men shared a moment of perfect understanding, Naruto glanced back and forth between the two, not sure if he should be scared or amused to see them getting along. When Itachi and Kakashi suddenly cackled, Naruto jumped and started backing away. Scared it was then.

Kiki just quickly and efficiently imprisoned Orochimaru, unaware that her brutal demise had just been planned.

––––––––––

After the admittedly anti-climatic ending to the battle (where not a single Konoha ninja had been lost thanks to Kiki's jutsu), spirits were high and the sake flowed freely. Laughter continuously pierced the night air and Kiki was in the middle of it all. Resting her head on Gaara's shoulder, Kiki looked loving into her boyfriend's eyes. Gaara tucked a loose lock of hair behind Kiki's perfect ears and pressed his lips briefly against hers.

Cat-calls and whistles surrounded the happy couple.

Then Kakashi crashed the party.

Smirking on the inside, Kakashi stumbled into the fray, pushing and shoving until he was next to Kiki and Gaara. The smell of sake rolled off him, although he was not drunk (Itachi had just doused him head to toe in alcohol). Glaring balefully at the now cautious couple, Kakashi would've cackled gleefully if he was not worried about blowing his cover.

"You're nofing buh a 'ore Kiki. Nufing buh a 'ore!"

The sudden silence around them chilled Kakashi, but he charged on, ready to see this plan to the death if necessary. Everybody already saw him as a jealous lover, why not play the part to the best of his ability?

Gaara stood protectively in front of the now trembling Kiki, pissed as hell. Nobody insulted his girlfriend and got away with it. Placing his hands on Kakashi's chest, Gaara shoved with all his might. Kakashi stumbled a few steps back, but kept his balance.

Sneering at Gaara, Kakashi quickly ran through the insults in his head. The time at the hospital provided him with all the ammunition he needed. "She's jus' a 'oser. A 'reak. A 'reaky 'oser. 'Osery 'reak? Hehe."

A pained sob came from Kiki as painful memories of her time in her world replayed itself over and over in her head.

"How _dare_ you?"

Kakashi wasn't phased at all by Gaara's fury.

Squinting at Gaara, Kakashi jerked his head to the door. "You wanna 'ake this outside?"

Gaara's answer was to grab a fistful of Kakashi's top and drag the older man towards the door.

Surprisingly, it was Naruto who was comforting Kiki as he exited.

––––––––––

As Gaara pushed him into a wall at a conveniently placed alley three blocks down from the bar, Kakashi grinned, his eye losing its hazy, drunken look. Gaara paused, a sudden suspicion tickling the back of his mind. When Itachi appeared at the opening of the alley, Gaara stiffened, beyond certain that he had been set up. With Kiki's chakra repressing jutsu still in place (in case Orochimaru got any funny ideas) and Gaara unused to just relying on his own abilities without Shukaku, he was no match for Kakashi and Itachi. Within moments he was restrained and knocked out.

As Kakashi struggled to remove Gaara's shirt, Itachi turned on the mouthpiece of his communication device.

"Raccoon has been captured. Repeat: raccoon has been captured. I will put a hole though your head if you fuc-"

"Aha!"

Kakashi raised Gaara's shirt triumphantly above his head. Itachi looked irritated at being interrupted.

"ETA fifteen minutes." Turning off the mouthpiece, Itachi knealt next to poor unconscious (and semi-naked) Gaara. Bringing out a kunai, he reached for Gaara's head.

––––––––––

"There there," Naruto patted Kiki sympathetically on the arm, resisting the urge to cringe and stick his hand in a fire. "Kaka-sensei is just drunk. He doesn't really mean what he's saying (_sure_). You mustn't take his words to heart."

Kiki just sobbed even louder, hugging the adorable blond boy to her side. Naruto stiffened in horror, but forced himself to relax. Although he'd only been at this for five minutes, it felt like five years. Rubbing soothing circles on Kiki's back, Naruto stared hard at the ceiling.

_Happy place. Happy place. Happy place. _

The listening piece in his ear crackled to life and Itachi's soft whisper came through.

"_Raccoon has been captured. Repeat: raccoon has been captured."_

Naruto sighed. Thank God Gaara hadn't put up too much of a fight.

"_I will put a hole though your head if you fuc-" _

Naruto rolled his eyes. _Thanks for the support you weasel-faced asshole of an Uchiha!_

"_ETA fifteen minutes."_

Naruto thanked all known deities for small favours.

_Just fifteen more minutes. Just fifteen more minutes. Fifteen more minutes. I can do this. I can do this. _

Detangling himself from Kiki's embrace, Naruto sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck and forced himself to blush.

"Uh… Kiki, I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

Immediately, the tears disappeared, leaving Kiki's face as perfect as ever. Not even a hint of redness was present in her eyes. Only concern was.

"What is it Naruto? You know you can talk to me about anything."

Once again, Kiki's selflessness was proven as she put aside her own pain and misery to help others in need.

Naruto looked around the crowded bar and his eyes flickered towards the exit. Kiki understood.

"Want to get out of here and go somewhere more private?"

_No shi- I mean,_ "Yeah, if you don't mind."

Kiki beamed happily at Naruto, overjoyed that she had finally won over the stubborn boy.

Twenty minutes later they were seated on a small bench in a secluded park. Naruto glanced nervously around. Where _was_ he? Even though Naruto was five minutes late, he still couldn't see any sign of Itachi.

Kiki noticed Naruto's sudden nervousness. "Hey, it's okay Naruto. There's no one around. You can tell me what's been bothering you, okay?"

Naruto nodded jerkily, eyes still scanning the area. Where the _hell_ was he? He didn't have _anything_ to tell Kiki.

"Naruto?"

At Kiki's prompt, Naruto tore his eyes away from the scenery and looked at the teenager.

"Uh… it's kind of embarrassing really." _Come on, come on. Showupshowupshowup._

Kiki placed a comforting hand on Naruto's shoulder.

"I won't think any less of you, you know that. Now tell me what's been bothering you."

"Well, you see… uh, I- I-"

Kiki nodded encouragingly. "Yes?"

Suddenly Itachi's voice came through Naruto's earpiece sounding very amused at the blond's plight.

"_Tell her that you love her and want to see her naked."_

Naruto's eyes bulged in horror. "NO! That's sick you nasty piece of shi-!"

"Naruto?" Kiki looked taken aback. "Are you alright?"

Naruto stopped mid-tirade, ignored Itachi's snickers and Kakashi's uproarious laughter.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. Haha. Just talking to myself. You know how it goes," Naruto babbled cheerfully, promising vengeance on his sensei and Itachi.

Kiki nodded slowly. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I… I-"

"_Like to touch yourself?" _(Itachi)

"-no! I mean, that's not what I meant. I-"

"_Like to wear women's underwear?"_ (Kakashi)

"- what the fuc- no! I, look, the truth is… is… I-"

"_Am secretly Orochimaru and Deidera's love child?"_ (Itachi)

"-NO! That's just wrong! I- I- I thinkImightlikeSasukeback!"

There was silence for precisely 0.29 seconds before Naruto realised what he had said and prayed that the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

Kiki looked pleasantly surprised and Itachi and Kakashi sounded like they were trying to not kill themselves by laughing too hard. Naruto prayed very, _very_ hard. Discretely dislodging the hearing piece, Naruto ground the piece of electronics under foot, hearing a satisfied crunching noise and covering it up with a cough.

"A-and since I've been so, um, mean to him lately, I- well, I…"

Kiki smiled gently as Naruto trailed off. "You know he loves you Naruto. Don't worry about. Just ask him on a date and everything will be smoothed over. I promise."

Naruto's brain scrambled desperately for something else to say. He had to keep Kiki here until that damn Uchiha showed up. Glancing wildly around for inspiration, Naruto clutched at straws.

"But I think he hates me!"

Kiki just patted Naruto on the head and her grin stretched wider, showing off her perfectly straight and white teeth.

"No, he loves you! You can never do anything to make him hate you. Tell you what. Why don't we go and find him now and you can tell you him how much you like him?"

"How about we don't?"

Naruto and Kiki both turned sharply at the familiar drawl and Naruto was tore between crying tears of joy at seeing Itachi and leaping at the other in pure rage. Those comments did not help! In the end, Naruto just dived behind Itachi, intent on putting as much distance between himself and Kiki as he physically could.

Kiki's eyes widened at the sight of Itachi. "What are you still doing here? I thought the Hokage told you to leave straight after the battle."

Itachi smirked and ambled towards her. "Well, I couldn't just walk away with unfinished business, could I?"

Kiki's brow furrowed. "Unfinished business?"

Itachi's smirk widened, but he brushed the question off with a wave of his hand. "I have a deal to propose."

Kiki's eyes narrowed. "What deal?"

"Your life for another." With that, Itachi brought out Gaara's shirt and a lock of red hair. Throwing both at Kiki's feet, Itachi's heart literally sang as he saw the fear in her eyes.

"Where's Gaara? What did you do to him?"

Even now, when her loved one was threatened, Kiki didn't break down or become hysterical. She just calmly processed the information and stood strong in front of the adversary.

"With Hatake and he's done nothing to him. Yet. But, you wouldn't want anything to happen to your lover, would you? Because if Hatake doesn't hear from me in five minutes then, well… it's either your life or his. Your choice."

Itachi sank back on his heels and just smirked. He could almost taste the victory. Seeing the indecisive look in Kiki's eyes, Itachi hammered in the last nail on the coffin.

"Of course, now that Gaara doesn't have Shukaku to protect him, thanks entirely to _you _by the way, he's at Hatake's mercy. And trust me, Hatake is mad as hell. He's going to make Gaara's death a long and painful one."

Kiki hung her head in guilt. Itachi was right, wasn't he? If she hadn't insisted on cleansing Gaara of Shukaku, they wouldn't be in this mess (she conveniently "forgot" about how she cheated on Kakashi). With her chakra repressing jutsu still in place, she couldn't even sense Gaara and go to help him.

Blue eyes peered accusingly at her. "It's all your fault! You're the one that cheated on Kaka-sensei and you're the one that made Gaara defenceless. You don't _deserve_ to live. How would you be able to face the Suna people knowing that Gaara died because you couldn't decide who to love? How could you live with _yourself_ knowing that you could've saved him and wouldn't because you can't sacrifice yourself for the greater good? You're just nothing but a hypocrite! You don't care about Gaara. You only care about yourself. You're just a heartless bitc-"

Itachi stopped Naruto's rant by placing a hand on the boy's shoulder and squeezing. _Just like we practised Uzumaki. No need to overdo it. _

Kiki's blazing eyes met Naruto's and Naruto had to consciously stop himself from flinching back at the intensity. Itachi's grip on his shoulder tightened, reminding the boy of exactly what Itachi was going to do to him if he messed up (it involved rope, whipped cream and a naked Sasuke).

"You're wrong! I'm not selfish or heartless! I love Gaara, I really do!"

"Oh?" Itachi injected silkily, his eyes taunting the vision of loveliness. "Prove it. If you love him half as much as you say, then you shouldn't really have a problem of sacrificing yourself for him, should you?"

Kiki seethed. Of course she would give her life in a heartbeat for Gaara. He was the love of her life, her other half, the only being who understood her very sou-

"You're stalling. Guess you really don't lov-"

Kiki's eyes snapped up to Itachi's and without another moment's of hesitation, grabbed her kunai and plunged it into her heart. The suddenness of her movement startled Itachi into silence. The silence continued as they watch Kiki sink to the ground like a dying swan, graceful and ethereal in her last moments.

Itachi and Naruto stared at the body. Even in death Kiki appeared magnificent, a fallen angel amongst mere mortals. Prodding Kiki with the toe of his shoe carefully and seeing no movement, Itachi bent down to feel for a pulse. Naruto watched with bated breath. Finally Itachi straightened and for the first time in several years, a real smile crossed his features.

Naruto sagged in relief.

It was finally over.

And it felt _damn_ good.

––––––––––

_**Author's Note:**__ -stares at screen- I can't believe it's finally over. I don't know whether I should be cheering or sobbing. _

_Thank you all for following me on this journey –winks at fellow HSC-ers- and whilst its been a long two and a half years, I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing this story. _

_First, though, apologises must go out to how long it has taken me to write this chapter. I am grateful for the patience you readers have shown me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. _

_Special thanks must go to __**Isabees**__, whose PM in January finally kicked my butt into gear and guilted me into writing his monster of a chapter. __**This chapter is dedicated to you babe. **_

_Again, I must thank all those who've stuck with me for so long. Your reviews have kept me going and egged me into finishing this when I lost inspiration along the way. Much love and cyber cookies. _

_I'll just put in the actual words for Kakashi's drunken slur because I can see how confusing it can be:_

"_You're nofing buh a 'ore Kiki. Nufing buh a 'ore!" – "You're nothing but a whore Kiki. Nothing but a whore!"_

"_She's jus' a 'oser. A 'reak. A 'reaky 'oser. 'Osery 'reak? Hehe." – "She's just a loser. A freak. A freaky loser. Losery freak? Hehe."_

"_You wanna 'ake this outside?" – Do you really need translation for this?_

_-sobs cheerfully-_


	14. Chapter XIV: Epilogation

_**Story Details:**_ _Set in an AU world where, let's say, that Sasuke didn't go off to Oro. Besides, this story is meant to be fun, so don't expect too many angst-y things nor too much technical stuff. Alright? _

_**Disclaimer: **__I do not own any (or claim to own) any of Naruto. This is just merely for fun. _

_**Author's Notes:**__ So, yeah. This is just a random fun thing to get the brain juices flowing. _

_**Warnings:**__ The perfection of Kiki, I guess. _

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_It was finally over. _

Actually, it wasn't. Not by a long shot.

After Kiki's death, things did not spontaneously go back to normal (as much as Naruto, Kakashi and Itachi wished that it would). After Kiki's rather abrupt death (Itachi still felt cheated), Naruto and Itachi had grabbed Gaara's shirt and hair and quickly left the scene of the crime.

Meeting up with Kakashi in his apartment, they wrestled the shirt back on to Gaara's body and proceeded to pretend that they had been there for the entire evening. Well, Naruto and Kakashi pretended that they had been there for the entire evening whilst Itachi had smirked, smacked Kakashi hard enough to give him a slight concussion and told Naruto that he would be back for Kyuubi in the near future.

He wisely left when Kakashi's coffee cup missing his nose by mere microns.

When Gaara came to the next morning, he was understandably confused about the entire affair. His confusion wasn't helped in any manner when Naruto practically pounced on him and demanded to know his age.

"Eighte- wait, no. Thirteen?"

Even though his answer was phrased like a question, Naruto didn't care. He was always a "the glass is half-full" kind of person anyway.

It seemed like Gaara didn't remember his love affair with Kiki and for that, Naruto was glad.

When Naruto next bumped into Sasuke, the avenger was also understandably confused when the blond squeaked and back-pedalled fast enough to land on his ass.

"What's your problem dobe?" Sasuke looked suitable angry.

Naruto froze and squinted at his recent tormentor. "Do you like me?"

Sasuke froze. "What?"

Oh! There was that famous Uchiha hiss. Naruto grinned and caught his friend in a bear hug.

"I knew it! You hate me, don't you?" Naruto had never looked happier at the prospect of someone hating him.

Sasuke shifted uneasily on his feet. "Well, actually."

Naruto stiffened and detached himself so fast from around Sasuke's shoulders that he got whiplash. I kid you not.

Sasuke growled and swiped at Naruto's head. "I don't hate you alright? You may be annoying and a brat, but I don't hate you. I just don't like you, that's all."

Naruto gave Sasuke The Eye. "So you don't like _like_ me?"

Sasuke stared. "What?"

Naruto fidgeted. "You know! Like _like_."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Are you calling me gay?"

Naruto took one look at the emerging Sharigan, gave a laugh of pure relief and ran as fast he could in the opposite direction. He could finish this conversation another day.

And so, in a similar fashion things slowly, but steadily, returned to normal. Deidera and Sakura broke up when Sakura's father chased the blond man out of the house with a broom.

How dare that weird he-she _thing_ come after his _thirteen_ year old daughter? Didn't that he-she thing have any shame?

Sakura became so traumatised by the whole affair that the dating section of her brain shut down indefinitely. Needless to say, Sasuke was extremely thankful towards this new, less hormonally driven Sakura.

Kisame got his rude awakening about the whole fishnet thing when he glanced into the mirror the day after the battle and saw his- his- his _nipples_!

Gasping in horror, Kisame folded his arms protectively across his chest and grabbed a shirt. Thoroughly convinced that Kiki had done this purposefully to humiliate him, Kisame vowed to never open his up his heart again and pulled on his Akatsuki cloak. Now more determined than ever to crush all the hidden villages, Kisame left to find Itachi and forever become one of the toughest and cruellest Akatsuki members any of the villages had ever seen. Even Itachi was slightly (only _slightly_, mind you!) impressed.

Akamaru had been found wondering the streets by Kiba himself. After many apologies (and doggie treats), the small white dog grudgingly followed his master/friend home. Although Kiba was not exactly sure of what he was apologising for, he did so willingly because it was obvious that that was what Akamaru had been expecting.

When Kiki's body had finally been found, the funeral turnout had been huge. Her cause of death of officially ruled as a suicide and the peoplel of Konoha mourned the fact that they couldn't help her when she was alive. Kiki was well loved and it showed, for even the skies cried for her. Her bravery, selflessness and kind-hearted nature were recounted in great, mind-numbing detail by Tsunade and not a dry eye was left by the end of it. Except, that is, for Kakashi and Naruto. The two rested contently in the knowledge that _one day_ their village will see the truth about Kiki and when that came, they were going to be the first by her grave with a shovel and a box of matches.

Somehow, it shouldn't have been a surprise when a lightning bolt struck the ground just as Kiki was being laid into the earth.

It shouldn't have been a surprise that after everyone had blinked the stars out of their eyes it was only to see an unfamiliar girl lying exactly where the lightning bolt had struck.

It shouldn't have been a surprise when the girl slowly sat up, her auburn hair glistening enticingly due to the rain.

It shouldn't have been a surprise to see the brilliant emerald colour of her eyes when she opened them to peer curiously at the new environment around her. Her porcelain face only added to her almost inhuman beauty.

And it most definitely shouldn't have been a surprise when she gave a gasp of recognition upon seeing Kakashi (Kakashi felt a bead of sweat roll down his back in something that greatly resembled fear). Naruto gave a strangled gurgle beside him, coming to the same realisation.

It shouldn't have been a surprise, and yet, it was.

"Who are you?" Tsunade finally asked, approaching the girl that reminded her so much of Kiki and at the same time seemed to be so different.

The brilliant emerald eyes sparkled. "Raki. I'm here to look for my best friend, Kiki. Have you seen her?"

The possibly non-existent Great Being just laughed and laughed and laughed.

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_**Author's Note:**__ My dears, you couldn't possibly think that I would leave as I did in the previous chapter, would you? –evil smirk–_

_But this is the end (really!). Hope it has made you laugh._

_(The previous chapter holds the "serious" AN where I make my thank you speeches and so one and so forth)_


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